Remember my boss's secretary ? The man who always greets everyone with a loud "YES!"? Actually, after writing about him yesterday, I suddenly remembered that there are variations of his type in this world.
I have distinct memories of our school photographer. Every year, on the day of class picture, just before he used to take the photograph, he used to unfailingly yell out "YUS! READY!"
Because he said "YUS!" and not "YES!" we can hereby conclude that the school photographer and my boss's secretary are distant cousins. If the photographer had said "YES!" then I would have told you all that he and my boss's secretary are brothers. And, as my friend LMT has observed, the 2 of them would have had the fantastic opportunity of being Obama's brothers.
Types of implants you can give your personality by using these simple facebook friendly tricks:
For girls- The HotPartyChick implant : Wear a strappy dress, make 2 other friends wear strappy dresses, go to THA CLUB, all 3 of you pose with your drinks in a Destiny's Child Forever or Power Puff girls manner. You choose. And make this picture your profile picture.
For boys- The HottestDudeEver implant : Go to THA CLUB, stand next to 3 girls in strappy dresses who are posing with their drinks in Destiny's Child / Power Puff Girls style; make sure you are part of the photograph. And make this picture your profile picture.
For those looking to Change The World- The CoolAdventurousGoodKindExpat implant : Go visit a Third World Country, take a photograph with NREGA workers / starving African kids. And make this picture your profile picture.
For anyone- The RichAndFamous implant : Go to a First World foreign country, stand next to its most famous tourist destination and take a photograph. And make this picture your profile picture.
For ugly adults- The AwwwCuteness implant : Find a photograph from your baby / toddler days and scan it. And make this picture your profile picture.
For non-famous people- The AlmostFamous implant : Go to an event attended by a celebrity. Take a photograph of you and the celebrity. And make this picture your profile picture.
For all couples everywhere- The SiameseTwin implant : Take a photograph of the two of you anywhere, at any time. And both of you make this very picture your profile picture.
Advice for all- That's all folks. (But if you're still looking for more go here) Did you really think this list would go on forever? Nothing is forever. Go get yourself an implant. Facebook saves everything and never deletes anything. Forget silicone. Why focus on individual body parts when you can get a personality implant?
Long time ago, (in Bethlehem) - 1990s, in the era of Doordarshan televsion (DD) they used to telecast this German TV show for kids. It was called PETER AND HIS TOYBOX. It was about a really old man called Peter who used to visit factories and show kids how stuff was made. My favourite episodes were the ones where he went to the rubber factory where they made chewing gum and the factory where they made guitars. The show was produced by Transtel in German but DD ran it with an English voiceover. It was the coolest thing EVER. Going crazy trying to find it now on youtube but it appears to have gone into oblivion. The only other people in the world who appear to understand what I'm talking about can be found here
Right at the beginning, when they used to introduce the show, these words (presumably from the original) were audible under the voiceover - "SUNDU KALA PETER"
Actually, I just really want to tell you all that I am incapable of wearing anything maroon. This is because in school they made us wear maroon sweaters and maroon sweatshirts as part of the uniform. I have spent 12 winters of my life wearing maroon clothes.
And that's all I really wanted to say.
Thank you all for your sustained interest.
Obviously, this post has nothing to do with Maroon 5, that band. I have just given this post the title because I am attention seeking and desire to be famous on google search.
There is an aunty who is a family friend of ours. She likes to telephone us a lot, presumably because we are all such skilled conversationalists. She has been calling us up since 1952. Or even earlier. (Maybe 1818?) . Every time she calls she always says "Hi, this is Meena from California." And I always say ,"Oh hello aunty, how are you?" And then we have a conversation and then I pass the phone around to everyone else in the house.
Confession: I have never met Meena from California.
Super Confession: Neither has anyone else who lives in my house. (Parents included)
The next big thing: No one is sure who she is, but we suspect she may be a friend of my grandmother's cousin. Ticking bomb: We have spoken to her so many times that now we are too afraid to ask, "Yes, but who exactly ARE you?"
It's like that boy in class who ALWAYS knows EVERYTHING; it loves small talk but you can never have a real conversation with it; it doesn't know how to listen but you can always, ALWAYS show it your sexy photographs and it will get excited.
Sometimes, people choose to be peritoneal dialysis technicians, and this means they have several clients, all screaming for their time and attention. It means they wake up at the crack of dawn and begin going from house to house, visiting client to client, washing hands, sanitizing work surfaces, handling bags and bags of dextrose fluid - several times a day, over and over again. And then they go home and fall asleep. And then they wake up and repeat the whole pattern all over again. It means never missing a day of work. It means keeping people alive. It means no holidays.
It means one week off in the whole year to do everything you ever wanted to do.
We live in the times of economic crisis and misbehaviour of dollars and euros. And so when you work at the Reserve Bank of India, you are constantly waging wars with the dollars and euros and getting them to behave.
And that brings me to the best and most exciting news of the day - I have learnt to tell the days of good dollar behaviour apart from the days of bad dollar behaviour. On the good days, Anand, who works at the RBI, calls me from work and chats with me. Because, he is relaxed and the dollars are behaving. On the bad days, I find that I am the one calling him up, and he lifts up the phone, speaks to me for 2.51 seconds and hangs up. Because, he is too busy waging a war. And this, dear fans and avid readers is the SIGN.
And this is how I, with no professional economic training whatsoever, have come to be able to read the signs of the economic crisis.
Today I shall discuss a rising concern of our times: FACEBOOK POKES. I have many problems with these, and I have kindly collected all of them in one single blog post for your reading pleasure.
1. When poked on facebook, I don't feel a thing.
2. Facebook now tweets you on every single poke rather than quietly collecting them all responsibly in one corner. I PREFER MY POKING PAPER WORK TO PILE UP, I HATE HAVING TO ATTEND TO IT ON AN IMMEDIATE BASIS AS THIS INCREASES MY POKING PAPERWORK.
3. I poke you you poke me I poke you you poke me I poke you you poke me ipokeyouyoupokemeipokeyouyoupokemeipokeyouyoupokemeipokeyouyoupokeme etc
Disclaimer: This is by no means an exhaustive explanation on the various types of dialysis. What I have tried is to describe the various options of dialysis as simply as possible. If you are interested in further information, you could leave a comment for me and I shall be happy to share with you whatever I know. Everyday I learn more about chronic renal failure. However, I am not a doctor.. For medical opinions, please consult a nephrologist.
Haemodialysis - If your doctor recommends this type of dialysis for you then you undergo an operation that unites a nerve and an artery from your body. This unified nerve-artery is called a 'fistula' and, usually, it is crafted on the left arm. Depending on what your doctor prescribes, you go to hospital 2 or 3 times a week. You are hooked up to a machine from your fistula. The blood from your body is made to circulate through the machine for about 4 hours. The machine performs the function of your kidneys - it purifies your blood. Your blood circulates through the machine, is purified and then directed back into your body. You a kept under observation for another 30 minutes - 1 hour.
- In case of emergency, this type of dialysis can be performed even without the surgery to create the fistula.
- Haemodialysis is conducted in the hospital, under constant medical supervision. It is different from peritoneal dialysis, which is done by the patient's family members, at home.
- Be prepared to devote a good part of your day in the hospital - about 1 hour of preparation, 4 hours of dialysis, and another hour of being under observation - a total of 6 hours. Travel time to and from the hospital is extra.
- There is a risk of heart attack as it puts additional pressure on the heart.
Peritoneal Dialysis / CAPD (Continuous Ambulatory Peritoneal Dialysis) - You have a surgery to insert a catheter inside your peritoneal cavity, located in the abdomen. A small portion of the catheter will jut out of your stomach for the rest of your life. It takes about 2 weeks to heal from the surgery before the catheter is ready to be used. In the meantime, you may need to undergo haemodialysis. As peritoneal dialysis is done at home, your family / housemates will have to be trained to perform it. Training usually takes about 3 - 5 days. When you have recovered from the surgery, you can begin peritoneal dialysis at home. The part of the catheter jutting out of your body is connected to 2 bags. Dialysate fluid from the first bag is sent in via the catheter, it purifies the blood and waste material flows out into the second bag. The procedure takes 30 minutes. It needs to be done daily, at 8 hour intervals. So basically, you would need to have it 3 times a day. Pros
- You don't have to spend entire days in the hospital
- Since it takes only 30 minutes and only needs to be done at 8 hour intervals, you could go out to work or have time for other activities.
- If you are not confident, you can hire a dialysis technician to visit your home and conduct CAPD for you
Cons - It is done at home, and not in the hospital where you would have medical assistance within easy reach
- There is a risk of infection - peritonitis
- You have to work very hard to maintain the highest standards of hygiene in your home
APD (Automated Peritoneal Dialysis) - You undergo the same catheter insertion surgery as you would for CAPD / Peritoneal dialysis. Every night, you connect the catheter to an APD machine that performs dialysis for you while you sleep. Pros
You are absolutely free to go about your day. Cons You may not be rich enough to afford this hassle free, patient friendly technology.
- Swollen feet
- Swollen face / swollen stomach / swollen face and swollen stomach
- You are able to walk, however, you are unsteady on your feet
- Constant fatigue
- Constant hiccups and belching; right through the day and right through the night - neither you, nor the person lying next to you is able to sleep
- Poor appetite - and when you do eat, you throw up
- Difficulty breathing
- Chest pain
- Slurred speech
Fans and Avid Readers!!!! I am so excited to share with you the news of my rising fame and stardom in the world of Google searches. Blogger stats informs me that Google is leading people to this blog when they ask "is it bad manners to burp loudly?"
Fans and Avid Readers!!!! In other still more exciting news, can you believe that there are people in the world who really do ask Google if it is bad manners to burp loudly? Wow!!! So cool!!!!
In my youth, way back in college, I used to calculate everything in terms of Airtel-to-Airtel STD calls. 1 minute of an Airtel-to-Airtel STD call was 1 rupee. 1 trip from my house to college by auto was 20 rupees by meter or 25 rupees by haggling. So, in general, 1 auto journey was equal 25 minutes of Airtel-to-Airtel STD calls. 1 cup of masala chai or 1 lime bar was equal 5 minutes of Airtel-to-Airtel STD calling. In my youth, I felt that if I didn't spend on everything else I would be able to talk on the phone forever.
Now, I calculate everything in terms of dialysis money. Dialysis for one month costs about 20,000 - 25,000 rupees. Dialysis for 1 year costs about 3 lakhs, roughly. If we buy a fancy machine, the best-ever most patient friendly type of dialysis is 4 lakhs for the machine and 44,000 per month on maintenance. Right now, if I don't spend a single rupee of my salary for 2 whole months, I can afford dialysis for 1 month.
I am so broke when I start calculating things in terms of dialysis money.
And so I have inherited my grandmother's bed. It is the bed where she spent her last night alive. It is the bed she used for the last 20 years of her life. And I have been sleeping on it for the past 20 nights.
What is it like to sleep on a dead person's bed?
Apart from feeling oddly cool about sleeping on a dead person's bed and being secretly (and eternally) grateful that no one in the house has objected to me deciding to use her bed, the experience is deeply emotional.
I will always remember my first night on her bed. It was the first night I that slept peacefully after her death. Although I have no way of confirming it, I really want to believe she was with me that night.
Some nights are filled with a lonliness and pain. These are the nights that I remember how in winters, I used to come to spread her shawl over her while she lay in this bed and tuck a pillow underneath her feet before she slept. This was in the last few years of her life, when she became too weak to do these things for herself. I also remember all the times when I used to make haldi milk at nights and come and sit beside her on this bed while she drank her glass and I drank mine. This was last winter.
Other nights I just lie quietly and think about her and wonder where she is and what she is up to and I ask her silently if she would come and visit me in my dreams. She has obliged me once.
And there are still some other nights where nothing really happens, I just set my alarm for the morning and fall asleep.
And then, of course, there was the night of ecstacy, when I found a couple of strands of her hair hedged between the mattress and the bedstead.
I say aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhh. I say owwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I say, OMG WHICH SIDE SHALL I SUPPORT????? Because, in all earnest, I say, a truly well mixed nuanced cocktail flavoured bloodgroup like my humble minority has no place amongst the latest debate to take the internet by storm.
And so I present to you the ULTIMATE SOLUTION: On offer is an unlimited period of FRANDSHIP with me. I will help you break every single stereotype you have ever held about idlis and tandoori chicken and all food groups in between.
And also. An Indian street secret: FRANDSHIP means anything but FRIENDSHIP.
Today I discovered that the metro I take everyday to work passes over the cremation ground where we cremated my grandmother. Now I shall spend every ride looking out of the windows, trying very hard to find that exact spot where she burnt.
Fans and Avid Readers - As most of you are adults, I am going to assume that you no longer receive lectures from your mummy/daddy.
Are you feeling older and wiser now?
I am now going to make you feel young again by giving you a lecture. You can all kindly thank me for presenting you this fantastic opportunity to regain your youth.
There is presently a raging debate in this country about the Lok Pal Bill versus the Jan Lok Pal Bill.
While slightly bemused by all the frenzy, I am also growing increasingly irritated by people picking sides WITHOUT READING the concerned bills.
To all those who are vehemently taking to the streets and supporting Anna Hazare and believing that the Jan Lok Pal bill is the answer to India's corruption problems- I ask - "Have you read the Jan Lok Pal Bill first? Have you read the Government's Lok Pal Bill as well? Is your decision to support one version of this bill over the other an informed decision?"
To all those who have been crying hoarse about how the Jan Lok Pal bill proposed by India Against Corruption is draconian and will create trouble rather than solve problems - I ask - "Have you read the the Government's Lok Pal Bill first? Have you read Jan Lok Pal Bill as well? Is your decision to support one version of this bill over the other an informed decision?"
Sheesh. It's all very well to stand up for a political cause but please do it from a position of INFORMED views.
Go here for the Jan Lok Pal Bill, the version proposed by Anna and friends.
Go here for the Lok Pal Bill, the government version.
Please read BOTH. And then pick a side. That is the only fair way to do this. Everyone on both sides of the divide have been screaming about what is fair and what is not. Give yourselves the opportunity to make a fair choice first.
Thank you Fans and Avid Readers, for hearing me out. End of lecture. Now you can feel cool and grown up again. And all your parent's friends will say "Wowwwwwwwwww, see how big you have become!"
1. Wearing a sari is a mathematical procedure 2. Reason #5476 to not get married - standing and smiling and individually thanking 5476 of your parents' friends whom you don't even recognise 3. Tip #334 for the official wedding photographer: In case the event is being recorded there will be a videocamera placed in front of the bride and groom. DO NOT stand in front of this camera when you take pictures. It will result in your bum being recorded for posterity.
If you were in my shoes, this is what your life would be like:
Step 1 - Only own 2 pairs of footwear:
Part 1 - Floaters
Part 2 - Chappals
Step 2 - Get a job where one of the terms and conditions of employment is that you must NOT come to work wearing floaters or chappals
Step 3 - Panic
Step 4 - Put on your floaters and run to the markets and buy as many formal shoes as possible (in your world this means you buy a grand sum total of 2 (TWO) more pairs. Given the complexity of your human mind, you translate "formal shoes" to mean "jootis" )
Step 5 - Realise that you are simply not talented enough to use the bus and the metro wearing your formal shoes to work.
Step 6 - Panic
Step 7 - Pack your formal shoes (i.e. jootis) in your bag and leave for work in the morning wearing your floaters. You need to leave 6 minutes earlier than you ordinarily would because of Step 8 - Reach work early, dash into the toilet, remove your floaters, unpack your formal shoes, wear your formal shoes, pack up the floaters, stuff the packet into your bag.
Step 9 - Because you have no other time in the day to exercise you use your lunch break to go for a healthy walk in the scorching sun. Rush to the toilet, remove the formal shoes, unpack the floaters, wear the floaters, pack the formal shoes, stuff the packet into your bag.
Step 10 - Step 9576343 - Go for a walk
Step 9576344 - Return to the office building
Step 9576345 - Go to your seat and take your bag to the toilet
Step 9576346 - Remove your floaters, unpack the formal shoes, wear the formal shoes, pack the floaters, stuff the packet into your bag
Step 9576347 - Work is over so now you grab your bag, rush to the toilet, remove your formal shoes, unpack your floaters, wear the floaters, pack the formal shoes, stuff the packet into your bag
Step 9576348 - Elvis has left the building
Step 9576349 - Reach home, remove your floaters, go to the toilet and wash your feet
You know those old aunties/uncles that have extremely loud/shady ringtones on their mobile phones? I AM ONE OF THEM NOW, fans and avid readers!!!!!!! I have chaiya chaiya as my ringtone - because otherwise I cannot tell whether my phone is ringing or not.
I feel it is my duty as the author of this blog to inform you that I have developed a creepy new habit of checking blog stats every single day. Beware. I know when you are loitering. I know when you are awake. And I am the real Santa Claus, I am not a fake.
You and I are friends. We meet for dinner. Maybe it means something else. The end.
You and I are friends.
We meet for dinner.
I carry my camera in my bag.
We take photographs of the food.
We take photographs of each other.
We take photographs of the drinks.
We take photographs of the kiss.
We put the pictures up on facebook.
I comment on the pictures.
You comment on the pictures.
My friends comment on the pictures.
Your friends comment on the pictures.
I get 52 facebook notifications.
You get 52 facebook notifications.
Each of my friends get 52 facebook notifications
Each of your friends gets 52 facebook notifications.
I blog about it.
I put up a link on facebook.
You read my blog.
You send the link to all your friends.
They read my blog.
Their friends read my blog.
Some strangers read my blog.
I meet a stranger at a party.
The stranger tells me she knows who I kissed last summer.
We take a picture.
I blog about it.
You read about it.
You realise that I have discovered a new disease.
You warn your friends.
We organise a facebook event.
We take photographs of each other at the facebook event.
We pray to our our cameras to fight this menace.
We build a temple for our cameras.
We take photographs of the temple.
We put up the pictures on facebook.
We make a facebook page.
9,876,543,320 people like us.
(Maybe the end is finally here.)
But what if we meet again for dinner and take another photograph and put it up on facebook?
Yo estaba durmiendo tranquilamente cuando el perro en la casa de mi vecina empezó a ladrar. Me desperté por el ruido pero no me levanté. Yo lo esperé callarse pero él sigió ladrando. Ya no pude dormir más. Yo estuve enfadada. Me levanté de la cama y fui al teléfono. Yo llamé a mi vecina y yo le pedí hacer callar a su perro. Mi vecina me dijo que ella estaba enseñando a su perro cantar. El día siguiente cuando yo estaba saliendo de la casa yo ví que el perro estaba durmiendo tranquilamente en el jardín. Yo tire un cubo de agua fría sobre el perro y corré.
There are some languages that you just can't understand. For a really bad translation of everything else, go to Google Translator.
We provide business development solutions to set up communications channels to meet market needs in an integrated economy. We provide networking, consultancy and analysis tools for the growing economy. We set up strategic alliances and check quality of modern tools in a fast-paced environment. We innovate through expansion of top level services. We engage with resources at a knowledge outpost station. We stand for managerial deliverables in opening markets. We build on partnerships for reaching out to product-based services. We believe in growth, quality, financial control and solutions.
A. The class does something classified as "disobedient" from the powers that be and everyone gets taken to the principal's office to get collectively yelled at.
Q. What are the benefits of group yelling?
A. The experience of group yelling is best described as the fun cousin of an individual yelling. In an individual yelling, you get humiliated in front of everyone. In a group yelling session, you all will miss out on study time and also, you can make fun of the teacher once he / she leaves. Verdict : Totally worth it.
Please enclose the following with your application form:
3 Passport size photos
Statement of intent
Copies of high school transcripts
Copies of University transcripts
Attested copies of certificates for extra-curricular activities / awards won
Certified copy of passport
Proof of residence (phone bill / electricity bill/ voter ID card)
Certified copy of PAN card
Proof of income (latest income tax return statement)
Verified copy of TOEFL / IELTS / GRE / GMAT scores
Employment certificates stating last salary drawn
Three letters of reference
Certified copy of PAN card of each referee
3 passport size photos of guardian
Proof of residence of guardian (phone bill / electricity bill / voter ID card)
Certified copy of PAN card of guardian
Income statement of guardian
Certified copy of passport of guardian
Certified copy of birth certificates of nieghbours (no less than 5 individuals)
Certified copies of PAN cards of cousins (Applicants who include copies of PAN cards of 7th and 8th cousins will be preferred)
Birth certificate of any pets (dogs / cats / mice etc)
3 passport size photos of each pet
Applicants MUST attach all the above mentioned along with the application form. All items must be arranged in the order specified. Failure to furnish even one of the above items will render the application incomplete and you will be immediately disqualified from the selection process. Please do not forget to make 3 photostat copies of your application form (along with each of the above mentioned enclosures) and attach it with your main application.
Cuando yo era nina tenia que despertarme a las seis y media por la manana. Yo tenia que ir a la escuela todos los dias. No me gustaba ir a la escuela porque no tenia ningun amigo. No me gustaba hablar con nadie. Mi abuela me hacia estudiar para los examenes. No me gustaba estudiar. Antes yo iba a la escuela yo comia los cereales con leche por la manana. A veces yo pensaba que este era delicioso. Me gustaba patinar en el parque por la tarde, despues de volver de la escuela. Mi clase de musica era los lunes y los juves. Mi profesor de musica venia a mi casa. El era muy gordo y siempre estornudaba mucho. El me ensenaba muchas canciones clasicas pero ahora no me ninguna las recuerdo.
When you realise that facebook is the single-most distracting website in the cleavage of the internet but you are afraid to de-activate your account because you don't know what you will do if you can't spy on your two hundred and fifty four close friends.