Thursday, December 27, 2012

death and dialysis

Peritoneal dialysis is generally done 3-4 times a day. If the doctor has advised you to undergo peritoneal dialysis, and you are up for learning it, you can be trained to do it for yourself. Some patients take an interest in learning. Others don't. 

For those who don't learn, their family members/housemates are taught how to administer the dextrose solution.  Since this is a procedure that needs to be done 3-4 times a day, and takes anywhere between 30 minutes - one hour, it is not always possible to have someone at home to do it for the patient who is unable to do it for himself/herself. If you are fortunate, you may be able to afford to pay a dialysis technician to visit your house daily.  

The dialysis technician who visits our house is a young man in his 20s. He leaves his house at 7 in the morning and returns at 10 at night. Some of his patients need him to visit their homes only once a day. Others need him to visit them more than once. It's a lonely life. Wake up. Get onto the bike. Drive to a patient's house. Do dialysis. Get back onto the bike. Ride to the next patient's house. Repeat. Clockwork. Lateness can prove harmful for the patient. Missing sessions can even be fatal. There are no holidays. 7 AM till 10 PM. Every single day.

Peritoneal dialysis needs patience. Peritoneal dialysis requires you to, as far as possible, refrain from touching things other than the patient's transfer set and the dextrose bag. Patients who do dialysis for themselves sometimes choose to read a book or watch TV while they wait. But the professional code for technicians dictates that they must keep their hands completely free and unoccupied throughout the entire procedure.  So our dialysis technician talks. He talks to his patients while they wait. His patients are his friends. 

In the year that we've known him, 2 of his patients have died. Death is natural. Nothing lasts forever, especially not life lived on failed kidneys. 

I wonder what it must be like, to be young, to be in your 20s, to be saving lives and cultivating close friendships that you know are going to end - and knowing that the schedule you live is such that these friends you meet are your only friends.


Monday, December 24, 2012

grape wars

In general, Manish Goyal was known to carry delicious food. So I suppose that is the reason why, when the bell rang for break time and the teacher left the class, a bunch of my classmates decided to lunge for Manish Goyal's lunch box that day. 

They discovered grapes inside. Black and green. 

We had grape wars in class that day. 

What are grape wars?

Grape wars are  when a bunch of 5 and 6 year olds lock all the doors and windows of their classroom and throw grapes from Manish Goyal's lunch box at one another. This goes on for 20 minutes. 

If you are holding a grape, you must throw it at any person standing in your line of vision. If you see a grape flying towards you, you must duck under the nearest table or swat it away with the nearest chair-shield. If a grape lands anywhere near you, you must pick it up and throw it at a fellow classmate immediately. 

If you or someone else by accident runs over a fallen grape, it will be squished and it will be useless in the grape wars.

Participation of all classmates is compulsory. Leaving the classroom during the war is not an option. If someone is caught leaving the room, they will be dragged back by the others and made to fight. Cowardice is for babies. 

The war ends when all the grapes are squished to death.

The war ends when the bell rings. 

The war ends when the teacher walks back into the classroom. 

The war ends when the chief supplier of ammunition and happy war participant, Manish Goyal, begins to cry for the wounded grapes. 

The war ends when the teacher kisses Manish Goyal, asks him to sit with his head down and cry his eyes out until he feels better. 

The war ends when the rest of the class is asked to pick up the squished grapes and give them a befitting farewell inside the dustbin. No bodies will be buried. No bodies will be burnt. All the dead shall only be handpicked and dumped. 

The trauma you suffer is the inability to eat a grape for ever after because the image of its flesh outside its skin, squished on the grey classroom floor, is too violent for your digestion.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Sunday, December 09, 2012

world cheeseball factory

Anand   went to Papua New Guinea and got me these

A bag of chips so rare that even Google Images was only able to give me HALF of the picture - logo only!!!

I was greatly excited to be in possession of a bag of local MANUFACTURED IN PAPUA NEW GUINEA chips.  I have infact preserved the bag after eating the chips. No, I shall NOT be taking a picture. TAKE THAT, Google Images !!!!! Serves you right. 

Anyhow. Fans and avid readers of this blog are hereby informed that these chips look and taste EXACTLY like these chips:

I am happy to inform you all that I have now uncovered globalisation's sexiest trade secret - COVER ART. 

Monday, October 08, 2012

my mother

...threw off our dustbin because we were throwing too much junk into it.  Now, as per her wishes, there is NO place in the house for accumulating junk.

Monday, September 24, 2012


Last week I went with some friends to a movie. There was fungus on the chairs of the cinema hall and it was STINKY. I smelt the fungus throughout the show. During the interval, I shone my cellphone torch on the chairs and showed everyone the fungus.

I was advised to stop smelling the fungus and smell the popcorn instead. 

Saturday, July 21, 2012

rich people's ATMs

Remember the good old days when you could just walk up to an ATM and make it puke out 100 rupees? Yaaaaaaaa. Well, that doesn't happen anymore. Either you beg your ATM to give you a minimum of 500 rupees or you stay broke.

100 rupees? What? Are you kidding me? 100 rupees is a coin. And we all know ATMs don't puke out coins.

Monday, July 16, 2012

how to protect your genes on facebook

1. Befriend all your relatives on facebook

2. Relentlessly visit the profiles of all relatives younger and hotter than you
3. Relentlessly visit the profiles of all relatives younger and hotter than you
4. Relentlessly visit the profiles of all relatives younger and hotter than you
5. Relentlessly visit the profiles of all relatives younger and hotter than you
6. Relentlessly visit the profiles of all relatives younger and hotter than you
7. Relentlessly visit the profiles of all relatives younger and hotter than you
8. Relentlessly visit the profiles of all relatives younger and hotter than you
9. Relentlessly visit the profiles of all relatives younger and hotter than you

10. Spot a picture / status message that offends your sensibilities


12. Breathe easy

13. You have won the gene pool race :)

Friday, July 13, 2012


Kenneth started off as a teacher at young Anand's boarding school.

Kenneth then got promoted. He was in charge of taking care of the gym, the washroom and giving the class group beatings. 

Kenneth's most important job was to be the giver of group beatings. If the class was noisy as a group, Kenneth would be especially called in with a cane. He would rap each child on the knuckles.

No other staff member was allowed to give group beatings.

Kenneth was an avid Christian.

Kenneth fell in love.

Kenneth fell in love with a Buddhist girl.

Kenneth converted to Buddhism. 

Anand suddenly remembered Kenneth 2 days back.

Where is Kenneth now?

Is Kenneth on Facebook?

Do you want to be friends with Kenneth? 

Kenneth may be a person you may know.

Monday, July 09, 2012


When my hair falls in my face and I use my fingers to brush it back ... the way my hands move, is exactly like my grandmother's. 

Saturday, July 07, 2012

butter chicken

Friend: "You should turn Oof Ya! into chicken."

Me: "Whaaaat? Chicken?"

Friend: "Not chicken! Chick lit! Your ears have wax! ... But it's ok, given that you are half Punjabi I am sure you could turn it into chicken as well."

Tuesday, July 03, 2012

dhaynchoo again

Ever since I blogged about dhaynchoo and achoo and Pikachu,  I have been thinking about much deeper, related things. I must share these thoughts with you.

1. When she was 6, my sister used to  frequently catch colds. She would sneeze loudly --- ACHOO--- and follow it up by saying "oomber". Achoooomber. Like cucumber. The sneeze version of a vegetable.

2. In my very first job the supervisor was called Achu. True story. And people would go stand next to his chair when they had colds and sneeze loudly --- ACHOO --- and then he would turn around and go "Yes?". And they would say "Oh no, that was not for you, I just have a cold."

Saturday, June 30, 2012


In the city where I grew up, dhaynchoo is the noise teachers use in school when they teach children about donkeys.

Example: Dog = bow wow
               Cat = meow
               Cow = moo
               Donkey = dhaynchoo

Recently, this friend of mine brought the word dhaynchoo back in my life. She used it to describe a movie that she hated. Quick review: "DHAYNCHOO".

Dhaynchoo rhymes with ACHOO. A sound many people I know think describes a sneeze. 

Dhaynchoo also rhymes with Pikachu. Pikachu, unlike dhaynchoo and achoo, is a character, not a sound.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

have you ever...

... looked across at your rich friend and wished brokedom on them just so that they'd realise how hard it is?

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

truth serum

Within the first 10 minutes of my grandmother's death, I remember amidst all the tears, feeling a pang of relief.

Her pain was over.
So was ours.
Freed by death.

I wonder what I would have done then if I knew that our exhaustion was just beginning.  Physical. Financial. Emotional. Psychological.

Monday, June 18, 2012

yoga women

Fans and Avid Readers! I am pleased to announce that after being a boring old exec-type of man, I have transformed into one of those hot yoga women. It's true!!!!

The type you see in multi-grain biscuit ads. The type who never snacks. The type who carries multi-grain whole wheat biscuits in her bag. Just in case she misses a meal.

So... does it count if you pack the biscuits on a day trip with your 60 plus, senior citizen dad to the hospital? For him, not you?

YES IT DOES!!!! Because you packed them in a huge, swingy, bright green Janpath-Sarojini Nagar type of bag. And carried it yourself. HA!

Friday, June 15, 2012

shrinking cat, hidden dragon

This friend of mine had a room mate. The room mate had a cat. The room mate had the ability to identify cats with emotional problems. The room mate's cat had emotional problems. The beds in their house were filled with cat pee whenever the cat had emotional problems. Their house had a weird smell.

The room mate did not have the ability to cure emotionally wrecked cats. Fortunately, they lived in a country  that produced cat psychologists. The cat was taken to one such psychologist. To cure the cat's emotional problems, the room mate was prescribed shiny lights and scented candles.

Whenever the cat peed on a bed, their house was ceremoniously lit up with shiny lights and doused with scented candles.

Their house continued to have a weird smell.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

death clothes

What do you do with the clothes you wore on the day someone you love dies?
Can you ever wear them again?
Do you wear them separately and never together, never in the same combination that you wore on the day of the death?
Do you give them away?
Do you keep them?
What happens if they tear?
Do you throw them away?
Can you throw them away?
What do you tell yourself?


Tuesday, May 29, 2012

executive education

Yes, that's right fans and avid readers! Given that this is who I really am, it is only befitting that I spent all of last week attending an Executive Education workshop.

So here is my experience, summed up in a few key buzzwords. If you are a real Executive, you will be able to spot the fake :

1. Leadership
2. Strategy
3. Development
4. Goals
5. Entrepreneurship
6. Social Responsibility
7. Drinks
8. Smart Casuals
9. Networking

If you are unable to spot the fake, please go get yourself a drink and try again. 

Tuesday, May 08, 2012

how to travel on a domestic flight if you do peritoneal dialysis

1. Drain out the dextrose solution from your body the night before your flight.
2. Take the earliest morning flight to your destination.
3. Arrive, begin a 24 hour countdown and get aclimatized 

4. Set up an appointment with a hospital for a session of heamodialysis - this appointment should begin approximately at the time your 24 hour countdown ends. 
5. Go for heamodialysis
6. Do what you need to do for the next 2 days
7. Go for heamodialysis again on the 3rd day

8. Repeat steps 6 and 7 for the entire duration of your stay
9. Fly back
10. Resume peritoneal dialysis when you are back at home

Monday, April 30, 2012


Yesterday, my father and I went driving together after a long time.
Long enough for me to have a fuzzy memory about the last time we drove together.
So long ago, that, in fact, my only concrete recollection is that the last time we went driving together was in 2009.
That time, he used to drive me to the physiotherapist.
This time, he drove himself to the doctor. 
Strange because I suddenly realize that the probability of us taking a drive together again is low.
So low that the only way I can think of repeating the experience is if I accompany him to the doctor next month.
And knowing that it won't happen because I won't be here and my mother or sister will take the ride next time.

Friday, April 27, 2012

spot the difference

"Small children and adult men are both alike. They have no sense of boundaries and touch you everywhere."

-- Romangst

Friday, April 20, 2012

something is not right

With a higher education system that
- Makes you pay shit loads for taking a language competence exam
- Is therefore automatically inaccessible to many
- Requires you to suck up to your teachers and get recommendation letters
- Only lets you in if you have recommendation letters from alumni
- Limits your chances of gaining admission to a course of study that helps you explore a developing interest ---- you need to have been interested in this course right from when you were 18. And never change your interests, ever.
- Gives out scholarships  - but the only people you know who got them were rich kids who didn't need them in the first place

- Is just OOF.
- Ya, it really is. 

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Friday, April 13, 2012


"When I wax, my hair re-grows within an hour. I have so much hair that it should just be bottled and sold to bald men.
...Okay, yes, you can quote me on your blog. ... Can't you quote me on something more ladylike instead?"

-- Romangst

Thursday, April 12, 2012

conversations with my sister

She: Is your nose working?
Me: Of course it is! How do you think I am still alive?!
She: No, I meant the OTHER nose.
Me: I have one nose. How many noses do you have?
She: I meant the smelling nose. Not the breathing nose. Obviously. So stupid. Why else do you think we have two noses?

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

advanced geography

"Oh come on, how long would it take to cross from the east of India to the west when you are at Kanyakumari? Nothing. You are standing on both sides at the same time."  

-- Abir

Sunday, April 08, 2012


Today my mother informed me that her bank balance is zero.
Today, suddenly, I am the rich one in the house. 
Today, I realised that I cannot even afford to buy a second hand laptop.
Today, if an emergency strikes, there will be absolutely nothing we can do about it.

Saturday, April 07, 2012

noise bubble

Another day of wanting to cry and cry and never stop.
Another day of wondering when this madness will end.

Tuesday, April 03, 2012

" Call me Ashish. Or call me Modi. But don't call me Ashish Modi. "
-- Boy named Ashish Modi

Saturday, March 31, 2012

sunset in paradise

"When I get married, I will start brushing my teeth at night. The possibility of kissing is higher."
-- T

Friday, March 30, 2012

desi boyz

"I was so excited about the India-Pakistan match. I wore my Delhi Daredevils jersey for it. And watched the match at home. " 

-- Abir

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

it happened

Yesterday morning I saw a middle-aged Malayali man standing outside the boss's door. He was looking right at me. He looked so familiar that I smiled at him. He continued to look at me without smiling back. I realized that we had never met before. 
Also, now I have forgotten his face. 
Demonstrated effects of forward thinking. 

Friday, March 16, 2012

forward thinking

My boss is a middle-aged Malayali man. He has many middle-aged Malayali men friends and acquaintances. As a result, I have smiled at atleast 50 if not 53 middle-aged Malayali gentlemen over the past year. 

A few days ago, this remarkably forward thinking individual told me that at Kerala House, one can get delightful lunch at delightfully cheap prices. Fans and Avid Readers are hereby informed that I really really want to go and eat lunch at Kerala House but I am unable to do so out of fear of running into one or many of the above mentioned middle-aged Malayali men.  They all look alike and they all smile a lot - and I get easily confused so I fear I may end up smiling back at a man I don't even know, which may confuse him into thinking that I'm a forward thinking individual.

Monday, March 12, 2012

suggestion box

"You are blogging more about random men then about me. Please register my complaint and issue me a complaint number." 


Friday, March 09, 2012

animal instincts

Conversations with my colleague Abir 
I used to steal chemicals from the lab when I was in school.

Me: Really? What did you steal?

I stole sulphuric acid and poured it on some ants.

Me: !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Abir: Ya, they died. 
I thought they would dissolve in it. But they died. Then I joint an animal rights club.

Thursday, March 08, 2012

please stand by for these messages

Holy musings:
"Using unsafe colors, wasting water, consuming narcotics and groping women is not my culture." 
-- A colleague

Women's Day musings: I would just like to say that in 2012, not many girls have the pleasure of holding their grandmother's visiting cards. Not many boys do, either. But it is so different, as a girl, to experience something revolutionary that your grandmother did, and feel like because of her, this is one less battle you have to fight - and one more instance that reminds you of how important it is that you make sure that by the time you have your own granddaughter, she doesn't bat an eyelid at being handed your visiting card.

Sunday, March 04, 2012


Hate facing myself after I've acknowledged my own, when there are others in this house who feel it more. 

Thursday, March 01, 2012

inner demons

On some days (like today) I am declared physically unfit to perform peritoneal dialysis.  
On days like these, I feel freedom and excitement. 
On days like these, I feel guilt.
On days like these, I try to rationalize. 
On days like these I come face to face with some of the scariest places in my mind.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

job ads make me puke

Also, they all look alike.

Multi-tasker. Ability to prioritze. Ability to work under pressure and meet tight deadlines. Flexible. Energetic. Willing to work on weekends. Passionate. Young. Master's degree.

Also, all offices are alike.

Energetic work environment. Innovative solutions. Platforms. Business development. Outreach. Networking with partner organisations.

Also, all colleagues are alike.

Sweet. Nice. Outgoing. Bitchy. Competitive as hell.

Also, all job ads are alike.

Because job ads make me puke.

Also, all job ads are alike.

Because job ads make me puke.

Also, all job ads are alike.

Because job ads make me puke.


Monday, February 27, 2012

Padma Curry

I have the pleasure of knowing an individual named Padma Curry. Yes, that is her REAL name. No, I do not lie about people's names on this blog.

Now I will tell you more about Padma Curry:

1. She hates curries
2. She never worries
3. She may have bought a few durries
4. Hari Om Hari.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

I am too poor to afford my dreams

And I am not smart enough to be considered meritorious.

So basically, that leaves me to work hard at jobs I hate and look out for good health insurance plans.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

top 3 conversation killers of all time *

#3. lol
#2. k
(because what the fack is LOLZZZ???? It denotes falling asleep after a joke.  So not cool).

*All time means gmail or text messages. As based on an inclusive and large sample size in the top 2 metropolitan cities. Duh.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

networking with the dead

A few months ago, while cleaning up my grandmother's bed    I found her visiting card. What can I say to tell you how I felt? Just use your imagination, okay?  

A little after that, my workplace issued me my visiting cards.  I hated my old office so much I never bothered to collect my  visiting card. So the ones that I have this time around are officially my first visiting cards. I know my grandmother would have been crazily ecstatic if  I had shared them with her. Just like I was when I discovered her visiting card.

So we exchanged cards. I placed my visiting card next to her photograph. I carry her's around in my wallet. 
I think the world underestimates the relationship between grandmothers and granddaughters. 

Thursday, February 16, 2012

ladies special

My colleague Abir (yes, he's brave enough to have his real name on this blog ) is disgusted with the ladies compartment in the Delhi metro. BECAUSE IT CONCENTRATES ALL THE GOOD SMELLS AT ONE END OF THE METRO!!!!!!!!!!!! AND THE WHOLE OF THE REST OF THE TRAIN STINKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As if that wasn't bad enough, it is very hard for men to try and escape the bad smell of their own anatomy. Young Abir saw some men getting beaten on the train for trying to get close to the fabulous scent of womanhood by standing at the thin fine line between the ladies compartment and the rest of the train. This was a very scary sight, so he went home and watched some educational youtube videos of men getting beaten up for entering the ladies compartment. This was an intensive study of several youtube videos, undertaken to determine the safest distance at which one can stand from the ladies compartment and still smell the coffee... er.. lillys. It's Serious! DON'T BE SILLY.

Because this is not a fairy tale, it's a true story.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

twitter realisations

Fans and Avid Readers!!!!!!!!
Fact: Twitter makes you realise just how damn often the human brain is capable of coming up with thoughts not exceeding 140 characters.

Ok,enough gyaan. Bye!

Wednesday, February 08, 2012

3 in 1 superpack edition

1. "It's so amazing how 50% of a species consistently disappoints. I don't know how they achieve this."
-- My Green Tea Friend, describing men

2. "Twitter? Who does that? As if facebook wasn't enough."
-- Anand, on being informed of my twitter account

3. "If everyone starts writing "ok" as "k" how will we understand each other?"
-- My mother, earnestly trying to learn to use sms

Sunday, February 05, 2012

the crap test

To find out how much crap exists in other people's brains, go read Twitter.

To find out how much crap your own mind is capable of, get yourself a Twitter account.

To find out how much crap your body produces, stop reading this and go take a crap. 

Saturday, February 04, 2012

moral ineptitude

The doctor told us to start shopping for kidneys. Obviously, we need not buy one if we can get one for free.

Is it alright to feel crazy fear and supreme reluctance at the thought of parting with mine?

Wednesday, February 01, 2012

suspense thriller

I have a tendency to fly myself to secret locations without informing anyone at home. I have learnt that every mysterious disappearance can be explained away if you are prepared to become a master of your conscience rather than have your conscience master you. However, the world's craziest mindgame to play with yourself is thinking about the various possible explanations that may be given to your parents in case the plane crashes and you survive. 

Tuesday, January 31, 2012


I forgot my keys.
Out of desperation, I bought an economics magazine worth 200 rupees.
I met a boy who lives in a building named Pink Apartment.
I helped a grown man select a suit.
I ate a chocolate flavoured sweet dish that reminded me of the 90's. 

I saw the place where coins are minted.
I saw rats on the railway tracks. 

I cooked eggs with capsicum. And added garam masala to it.
This doesn't have the punchline you were looking for.  

Saturday, January 28, 2012

sense and sensibility

Google AdSense rejected my application. Twice. Reason: 
"Unacceptable site content - Your website must contain substantial, original content."

So confusing this brave new world of internet freedom is. 

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Salman Rushdie at the Jaipur Lit Fest

Fans and Avid Readers!!!!!!

No, this post is NOT about Salman Rushdie and his presence or lack thereof at the Jaipur Lit Fest. If you came here hoping to read my esteemed views on this subject based on the informative title of my post then all I can say to you is  - Don't believe everything you read on the internet. 

Now I am going to tell you the reason why I cannot bear to attend the Jaipur Lit Fest.

It will be too crowded with people both you and I may know. Too many common friends at a celebrity event = too much fake air kissing = noise pollution.

That's it.


Friday, January 20, 2012


1. A person you love dies
2. A person you love goes into coma
3. You don't have the time to recover because you realise that if anything else happens right now to anyone else you love, you just don't have the money to save their lives
4. So you just put on your best plastic face and air kiss the world

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Oprah in India

One of the first sights she chose to see was Baby B. See? So much culture, heritage, etc etc this country has to offer.  

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Monday, January 16, 2012

winter children

They are small, they are aged 0-4, they are snotty nosed, they squeak a lot, they wear woollen pants, they wear super fluffy woollen sweaters, they wear brightly coloured woollen caps and they all look like each other.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

how to survive the rules of engagement (pyaar ke side effects)

For those who are getting engaged:
#1. When you are engaged, announce it on Facebook. (Obviously, this rule is for the dummies. If you already knew this, congrats, you are advanced.)

Side effects of forgetting to follow the rule: No one will know you are engaged.

For those who know those who are getting engaged:
#1. Read about your friend's engagement on Facebook
#2. Check how many friends your engaged friend has on their friend list
#3. Check how many of the friends from your engaged friend's list have already commented/congratulated them on the changed relationship status
#4. If you are very cool and important then wait till atleast 97% of the people on your engaged buddy's list have congratulated him/her. THEN leave a comment. This will ensure that notifications you receive over the next 24-48 hours are reduced to a minimum . (This rule is for advanced users)
#4a. Special side effect rule #4a-  For dummies, I advise rule #4a. According to this rule, skip rules 2, 3 and 4 and CONGRATULATE YOUR FRIEND RIGHT NOW DON'T WAIT DON'T STOP OMG!!!!!!!! This will ensure that you will keep getting notifications for atleast the next 24 if not 48 or 72 hours whenever random other people from your engaged friend's list also congratulate them. 

Thursday, January 12, 2012

what to tell your readers when you haven't written in your blog in a long time

Sorry guys, I was holidaying in Goa, partying like crazy for the New Year!!!!!! It was so awesome!!!!! The drinks!!!!! The clubs!!!!!! The beaches!!!! The cool firang friends!!!!!!! I was so busy!!!!!!!!!!!! No time to blog!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So cool!!!!!!!!!! 

Monday, January 02, 2012

escapist fantasies

And on other days (like today) -  I think that if I escape from my life the depression will stop.