Wednesday, September 13, 2006

my grandmother

she died on this date 4 years ago.

we had a pooja today.

i think about her everyday. there have been times when i've had violent spells of missing her. there are all the things she made for me when she was alive which i refuse to throw away. and also this curious habit i developed of refusing to kill mosquitoes and flies. i seemed to have developed it after she died. i understand that she needed to leave.

and then this prayer meeting. we've had one every year on this date to honour her memory. the first year, i was petrified of attending it. i was scared of re-living the memories it may bring back. i was scared of watching everyone cry.

it's rather curious how expressions of bereavement subside over time. this year i felt it was my duty to be there. it wasn't about memories or intense emotions or anything else. made me think a lot. it's more of a ritual now. dry duty. or a blunt pattern. if i was dead, i'd rather my friends/family perform a remebrence service whenever they really, really missed me in the vacuum that death creates. for the feeling of me, not for the sake of keeping a date.