Thursday, January 31, 2013

tax saving

I am broke because I just signed away everything in tax saving schemes for the next five years. I don't know if I will have enough money to make the annual payments for the next 5 years. Does this kind of thing happen to other people as well?

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

the boomerang blog

" Stop writing whatever you feel like on your blog. This is India. It will boomerang on you."
-- My mother, to me

"What? What does she mean 'boomerang'? Your blog has no content."
-- My friend, The Stud.

Monday, January 28, 2013

fear

These days, when I am up working late at night, sometimes, I hear my mother screaming in her sleep.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

sounds

Power. Money. Fame. Family holidays. Friendships.
 

Noise. Ambulance. ICU. Crisis. Debt. Illness.

Dependence. Empty house. TV noise. Long days. Guilt. Loneliness.
 

Memories.
 

Silence. 

Friday, January 25, 2013

what they do at credit card companies

First, they assess whether or not you may be given a credit card. 

Do you have a job? 

Do you have a house? 

Do you live with your parents?

Are you married?

Are you single?

Have you ever gone shopping? 

Have you ever spent your money?

Do you have the potential to spend your money?

Do you live in a world where you have to spend your money?
 

If any or all or some of this applies to you YOU ARE WINNING THE CREDIT CARD GAME!!!!! YOU CAN BE SAFELY GIVEN A CREDIT CARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

P.S. Are you in debt? It's ok. Plastic costs nothing. 

Monday, January 14, 2013

how to care for your bag and your backside

Place your bag on the floor of the metro.

Congratulations, your bag is now dirty. 


Step off the metro, climb into a cycle rickshaw. 

The cycle rickshaw has a narrow seat. Either your bum or your bag can fit on the seat. 

Your bag is not allowed to touch your lap because your bag is dirty. 

Offer the cycle rickshaw seat to your bag because that is the polite thing to do. 

Your bum can no longer sit on the seat because the bag has touched the seat. 

Your bum is clean. 

Remember not to shit because that will dirty your bum. 
 


 




Sunday, January 13, 2013

Today, I met Anand for coffee.
 

He pulled out a blue ink fountain pen from his pocket and used it to colour over the alphabets on the sugar packets.

I tried to be interesting. I said, "You are spending all your time colouring the alphabets on the sugar packets instead of paying attention to me."

He said, "I am an artist."

Friday, January 11, 2013

How to hide your Russian boyfriend from your Punjabi grandmother

Tried and tested by my friend. Shared by me for the benefit of all of you. Because I am generous like that, and also because you all have Russian boyfriends. 

1. Invite your Russian boyfriend to stay with your family for the holidays

2. Tell your grandmother that all your friends are hosting foreign students for the holidays

3. Take your Russian boyfriend for a short trip to a touristy destination, like Jaisalmer, just the 2 of you

4. Look around for white tourists posing for photographs. At any given time, one of you should unobtrusively wriggle into the frame and pose while the other person unobtrusively takes a photo of the group. Repeat as often as possible. 

5. If you are burdened with obtrusive personalities then the above step does not apply for you. Instead, make sure one of you inserts yourself right into the centre of any space that is crowded with foreign tourists and make the other person quickly take many photos in succession. If you are lucky, some of the people in your vicinity shall be facing the same direction as you at any given point. 

6. Show these pictures to your grandmother. PROOF!

7. Russian boyfriend? There is no such thing.

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

metro manners

 " They are used to running in one direction, so they run in the opposite direction as well."

-- My forward thinking friend, on why people cannot stop running while changing trains at Central Secretariat metro station



 *************

Do you use the Delhi Metro?

Do you go to Central Secretariat metro station? 

Do you ever change from the yellow line to the purple** line or the purple line to the yellow line at Central Secretariat metro station?

Are you one of the people who rushes out of the train from one line and KEEPS ON RUNNING until you reach the next line? (Don't lie. You are. Everyone who switches between the yellow and purple lines at Central Secretariat metro station is one of these people. If you are NOT you are either a blatant liar or a foreign tourist or me.) 


The purple line begins at Central Secretariat. So passengers who get off from the yellow line like to run towards the purple line because they think that if they reach faster they will get into the train faster and find a place to sit.

Central Secretariat is a station somewhere in the middle of the yellow line. So if you get onto the yellow line at Central Secretariat, you almost never get a place to sit. But it is a fact that users of the purple line also run towards the yellow line, even though they will not get a place to sit. Fans and Avid Readers, you are hereby informed that thanks to my forward thinking friend, we now have a scientific explanation for this bizzare behaviour. Obviously, if you are used to running in one direction, you will run in the opposite direction as well.

 


 

Friday, January 04, 2013

falling fred

Yesterday, my friend The Sleepwalker traumatised me for 26 minutes by showing me this video game called Falling Fred. 

 Here, I found a picture of Fred for you: 





Fred is falling through an endless unidentifiable location. Your aim is to make sure he KEEPS ON FALLING. Yes! If you stop him from falling, YOU LOSE! 

Interestingly, you can let parts of Fred be chopped off by random computer-generated objects while he is falling. All you have to do is make sure he hits a random computer generated object. When this happens, a part of his body gets chopped off . BUT if his head gets chopped off, YOU LOSE! 

You dont't ever win this game. You can have the illusion of winning as long as Fred keeps on falling. 

But wait! It gets better. Apparently, there is a newer version of this game and it is called... SUPER FALLING FRED!!!! In this, the graphics are better, Fred falls faster and there are even more vicious random computer generate objects.

Fred is falling. Let him fall. Fred is super falling. Let him super fall. Fred has a head. Yay!!! Fred lost his head. OH NO! Fred has a super head. Super Yay!!!! Fred lost his super head. SUPER OH NO!