Wednesday, December 08, 2010

paparazzi

Fans and Avid Readers!!!!!!!!

I wish to hereby inform you that I have been invited to a wedding :)

Nowdays, increasingly, I am invited to weddings of friends my own age... this is unlike my childhood where the people getting married would seem like aunties and uncles to me. The conclusion is that my friends and I are now AUNTYS AND UNCLES. YAAAAAAYYYY. (No, really.)


...... And now that you all have finished celebrating this piece of news, let's move right along to the REAL problem here.

I am a person who owns a very limited collection of shiny fancy wedding clothes. These, fans and avid readers, I regret to inform you, were very keenly documented by the facebook paparazzi at the last wedding I attended.

AND NOW.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh.

Can you see my problem here? Can you? Can you?

Sunday, November 28, 2010

"It sounds like Himesh Reshamiya"

-- A boy in my Spanish class, after listening to a Spanish conversation CD.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Friday, November 05, 2010

spanish junk

Yo soy oofya! En mi tiempo libre yo escucho la radio y veo peliculas en mi ordenador portatil. Me gusta caminar en el parque por la tarde. Cuando estoy caminando yo uso mi movil para hablar con mis amigos. A veces invito a mis amigos a mi casa y cocino para a ellos pero a ellos no se gusta la comida que yo cocino. A veces nosotros vamos a comer en los restaurantes. Nos encanta comer mucho. Tambien yo estudio espanol los fines de semana.

(Please feel free to correct my grammar. Muchas gracias. )

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

how to have an active facebook social life

Fans and avid readers!!!!!

It is time I shared with you the top 5 ways to achieve success in facebooking. These are my observations of some of the most successful users of our times. REAL TIPS!!! REAL SUCCESS!!! READ NOW!!!!


1. Whenever someone posts a close-up shot of themselves as a profile picture ALWAYS comment and say ''So pretty!" "You look so handsome!" "You're hot" (or, more appropriately, just plain old "hawt!!!!")

2. Whenever someone posts a couple photo, invariably, comment "awwwwwwww" / "so cute" / "i love this pic"

3. If someone announces that they are married or engaged, you must immediately say "Congrats, have a happy life ahead" (This is compulsory, even if you barely know them and don't particularly care about their happiness. Infact, ESPECIALLY if you barely know them and do not particularly care about their happiness)


4. Post numerous photos yourself. When in doubt, always take close-up shots of the food you are eating / about to eat.

5. ALWAYS wish others on their birthday. (They might not have invited you to their party but ofcourse, you just HAVE wish them)






************************************************************


Alright!!!! You know what do do!!!! But ofcourse, you ask, what are the fruits of religiously following these steps?

Well the result, dear fans and avid readers is that you will get atleast 20-100 notifications for every picture you comment on, making you feel instantaneously and deliriously popular. An added benefit about wishing random people on their birthdays/engagements/marriages are that they will say '' Hi long time, how are you? What are you up to?" And then you can say, "I am in Switzerland / Russia / Japan these days." (The trhill of this is unbeaten. Promise)  

Saturday, October 16, 2010

"I love Chinese soups. They taste so yummy because they taste so fake."

-- My sister

Sunday, October 03, 2010

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

schizophrenia

My grandmother is eighty four. She will be eighty five this November. After she retired, she travelled to Europe and North America. Now she can't walk much. She stays at home. Earlier at home, she used to read newspapers, watch cricket, avidly follow soaps on Sun TV and write letters to her friends and relatives. She used to clean the kitchen and cut fruits. She used to keep accounts and order groceries. 

Now she can't remember anything. Her attention span is extremely short. She says she can't read because her eyes hurt with the tiny newspaper print. I bought her a magnifying glass. She was very excited to receive it and she has tucked it away at the back of her cupboard. I tried giving her books with larger print but she says she doesn't want to read. Many times, she has asked me to leave her alone.

She spends her days doing nothing. She sits on her bed and stares into space.

Sometimes she asks me who I am. Sometimes she can't tell the difference between me and my sister. Most of the time, she doesn't know whether it is night or day.

She repeatedly performs certain behaviours. Like flushing the toilet again and again. Like changing her clothes again and again. Like rubbing her hands against the bedsheet again and again. Of late, she has been having hallucinations. She describes people, places and events to us as if they really happened. To her, they are real. To us, they are not.

Sometimes, we indulge her by asking her for more details. Sometimes we are flustered and tell her to stop imagining things. It is very hard to reach out to her. She lives in a different space.

It is very hard to watch someone you love lose their mind.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

know your blogger

Yo soy oof ya! Yo tengo le blog. Mi blog es rojo y negro es muy interesante. Yo soy estudiante de espanol. Mi habitacion esta sucia. La mesa en mi habitacion esta disordenada. Hay muchos libros en mi casa. Tres libros estan de espanol. Yo tengo un bolso negro. Mis libros de espanol estan dentro de mi bolso negro. Hoy mi ordenador esta lento. La nevera en mi cocina es vieja. Yo soy cocinera mala. Mi comida es extrano. Yo estoy triste ahora porque yo tengo cero amigos en mi ciudad.



(I do not have access to a couple of the Spanish symbols which go on top of the alphabets. If you cannot understand, please use google translator. If you do understand please give me feedback on my mistakes. I am practising my Spanish and seeking to improve.)

Saturday, September 11, 2010


"The maid has conjunctivitis. I have asked her not to touch anything in the house while cleaning it."

(My mother, as quotable as ever)

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

My mother (to me) : You should write a book. You should write chicklit. It's the in thing these days.


Me (to Anand) : My mother says I should write chicklit.


Anand (to me) : What is chicklit? In our youth it used to be a chewing gum...

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

smart cookie

Fans and Avid Readers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I wish to proudly inform you that I was invited to a PAGE 3 PARTAAAYYYYYYYYY  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I will share with you the following observations:
1. I know, I know, I have arrived. WOW YAAR!


2. So, this was the book launch of a book by Khushwant Singh, Absolute Khushwant. (Google it kids, I am too lazy to put in the link).


3. I am not a fan of Khushwant Singh, quite frankly I went for free food and drinks. But the biggest fan and avidest reader of my blog asked me to procure a signed copy of the book for him.


Keeping all of the above points in mind, I will tell you a few more juicy details of my PAGE 3 event :


a) I arrived late. At the point when Khushwant Singh was thanking everyone and the emcee opened the floor for the FOOD AND DRINKS :)
b) At this precise moment there was a surge of audience members  heading towards the table at the back of the room stacked with millions and millions of Absolute Khushwants
c) I was advised by a well meaning soul at this party to grab my copy and get it signed ASAP. As I was eager to prove my true worthiness to the biggest fan and avidest reader of my blog,  I decided to take this advice very seriously and I joined the surge of hands scooping up copies of Absolute Khushwant.
d) I paid for my book and absolutely ran towards Mr. Khushwant. He was surrounded by the enitre population of his fans and avidest readers. They were all demanding signed copies of THE BOOK.
e) He said, "I am not well. I am not signing any books."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
KYA YAAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Hmmmmmmmmmmm. And now, my closing remarks:

i) It is one thing to own a book by an author you like
ii) It is a completely different thing if the said book is SIGNED by the author
iii) Many people in this universe may buy a book at a book launch even if they wouldn't have bought it otherwise, simply so that they can have it signed by the author
iv) At this PAGE 3 do, Mr. Khushwant Singh sold many, many copies of his absolute self and none of them was signed to complete the absoluteness
v) Khushwant Singh is a smart cookie

Friday, August 13, 2010

star parivaar

Fans and Avid Readers!!!!!!!!!


Today I will fill your brains with vital information on soaps!!!!!

So, I would just like to say that I have graduated from MTV to Star Plus. YAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!! Standing ovation please!!!!!! Truly an evolution, I think.

Now, having keenly observed various soaps on Star Plus for the past 4 months, I am happy to announce that I have finally unravelled a crucial mystery.

Do you know why each soap on Star Plus has an extremely basic plot but million and two characters each? Do you know why there are everlasting generations and family trees? Do you know why these serials run on for years and years and years?  Do you? Do you? Do you?

You don't?

I will tell you. 

Kyunki everytime any character says a dialogue, the makers of the serial can take close-ups of every other character's eyes.

And this, my fans and avid readers is the secret behind why these serials have a million and two characters and everlasting generations of family trees. Not becuase it adds to the plot. But because this is how a basic storyline can run on for ever. Ad EYEnfinitum.

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

irritation

Rich kids who use their mummy-daddy's money to buy BLACKBERRYS and then use the damn thing for FACEBOOK.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Waiting for a response from the people who are offering a 1 lakh a month job is much like when you were in school, hoping to have a romantic moment with your supercool crush.
Never will happen.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

going the whole hog

Friends and avid readers!!!!

After this I felt very inspired.... so here is a sample of my own inventions:

btw - BE TEA DOUBLE EWW
lol - ELLE OH ELLE
fyi - F@!# WHY EYE
ttyl - TEA TEE WHY ELLE

and of course, to add to the maddness, I present to you ......


Eyjafjallajokull . Obviously.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

"Have you tasted dosa with honey? It is so yummy. It is so good. It is like French food."
--- Overheard in my kitchen. Spoken by a friend.

To which my brain now says -
"Aadmi hai ya menu card?"
--- Overheard in the film, Oye Lucky, Lucky Oye!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

hawt dawgs

Fans and avid readers!!!!

The internet informs me that 'hawt' is the new 'hot' and 'dawg' is the new 'dog'.

Now here is a new-age e-mystery for you - in the times of sms, why would you increase the alphabets in a word?

Friday, May 28, 2010

3 Little Alices, 1 Blogging Rabbit

Blogspot informs me that this blog has 3 followers.

Wowee. I feel like a god. Or at the very least, the founder baba of a small religious sect.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

the magical world of flexi-time

Your workload doesn't decrease. Now you have lesser time to do the same amount of work but you get paid half of what you used to. You realise that if they can't see your face, you cant see their money.


You become everyone's forever-there friend. "Oof, I have nothing to do this evening, can I come and visit you?'' "Oof, I took the afternoon off from work, can I eat lunch at your place?" "Oof, I am going for a job interview in your neighbourhood, should I drop in to your house?"

You are now the chosen target for all and sundry household chores. Amongst other things, you are now entrusted with watering the plants, throwing out the garbage, hanging out the washing, folding the clean clothes and cutting fruits for the family.

When you sit at the family computer, if anyone catches you facebooking, then you are automatically pushed off so that they can have a turn, because, clearly, you aren't working, you are playing. And now, because you blog more than you used too, it clearly means you have
WAY. TOO. MUCH. TIME. AT. YOUR. FINGERTIPS.


(but your workload has not decreased and you now have lesser time to do the same amount of work but you get paid half of what you used to)

Sunday, April 25, 2010

"... for women, wealth [is] gauged not only by economic figures, but also by who gets to raise her own children, with what kind of help, and who must raise someone else's as well as her own, with no help."

-- Naomi Wolf, 
Misconceptions 
Truth, Lies and the Unexpected on the Journey to Motherhood

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

next is what?




Facebook 2010: Photos of friends at foreign universities , parties, and at their own weddings

Facebook 2020: Photos of friends' kids, friends' kids' birthday parties

Facebook 2050: Photos of friends' grandkids

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

i turn away potential customers




Dear Fans and Avid Readers!!!!!!!!!!!

(yes, all 7 of you) 

Sample this :

Friend: now that you have so much time on your hands you should start a blog

oof: i already have a blog


Friend: oh wow, really? send me the link!!!! i will read it!!!

oof: uhhhhhhhh no




Friend: haha! aacha, you'll send me the link tomorrow na, i want to read it!


oof: no!


[END OF CONVERSATION. END OF CONSUMERISM.]



Saturday, April 17, 2010

careers in tv news - anchor

1.45 AM - wake up
2 AM -  get picked up by office cab
3 AM - reach the office (which exists in a far flung suburb of your city)
3 AM-3.30 AM - Brush teeth inside office loo, drink pure, authentic, deliciously non-flavoured generic coffee from the office coffee machine, check emails
3.30 AM - 4AM - read up for your bulletin
4 AM - go for make-up
5 AM - return from make-up, looking oh-so-delicious at 5 fucking AM, complete with a fancy formal coat (but wearing your ratty jeans and bathroom chappals)
5 AM - 5.45 AM - read up more for your bulletin, write catchy headlines, keep checking with the assistant producer if your progress is ok
5.45 AM - go to the studio, stand under the lights, smile, look beautiful (hide your ratty jeans and bathroom chappals behind your desk so that the audience won't notice)
5.59 AM- 6.25 AM - ON AIR (and feel supremely flustered at every single mistake you make - and get yelled at by the studio director in between breaks and once the show is over for your impeccably miserable performance of looking stellar while stumbling in spite of the teleprompter)

********************************************************************************
But who will watch news at 5.59AM in the morning?
Your mummy and daddy, of course.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

"Why is it called DLF IPL? Is it because it is being played in DLF?"

(My mother to me, in a moment of pure angst and mystification)

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Monday, April 05, 2010

split wide open

Fans and Avid Readers!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The moment you've all been waiting for is HERE!!!!
The ultimate, sad, ugly truth about me.....

... is that i used to think that i only liked strange cinema in languages that i don't understand that came with subtitles
... is that i absolutely LOVED UTV World Movies and NDTV Lumiere because the entire thing was in strange languages that i did not understand and constantly subtitled for my viewing pleasure
... is that i deliberatley kept away from most shows on Star World because, to my untrained eyes, they all looked alike (Psych, Heroes, Boston Legal, Prison Break, Ally McBeal, X Files .... endless characters, complex plots, no comedy, lots of lawyers / people with guns / police cars)
... is that ever since Star World, which is an English language channel, decided to subtitle each and every show, i find myself watching in rapt fascination...

And so. Dear Fans and Avid Readers - the ultimate, sad, ugly truth about me is that i will watch absolutely ANYTHING that comes with subtitles .

*****************


(Now there are no secrets left between you and me. You have been exposed to the vagaries of my mind and the indescribable pleasures that tantalize my soul.)

Sunday, March 28, 2010

blog fantasies

dream - some really important publishing bigwig out there reads my blog, decides i am the next big thing , offers me a book deal and some widely distributed Sunday magazine like Brunch features me

scream - will never happen as i do not talk about my blog to friends, family, acquaintances or strangers and am lazy about blogging and do not often comment on other people's blogs (therefore if you don't know my blog exists you will never find it)

dream - my blog becomes a place where i pour out my heart, and soul, and write uncensored and angst ridden thoughts

scream - will never happen - because if i haven't already poured out my heart , soul, time , uncensored and angst ridden thoughts to you then you probably will never get to read them.

Friday, March 12, 2010

my young mind gets confused and corrupted...

... when Genelia D'Souza sells me aerated drinks, deodrant and fairness cream in back to back ads aired on tv.
ps. What will the children think?