oof ya!

2012-01-26T22:00:00.000-08:00

Jaipur Lit Fest reminds me of a Karan Johar film

2012-01-22T05:15:00.000-08:00

Jaipur Lit Fest = JLF
Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna = KANK

Salman Rushdie at the Jaipur Lit Fest

2012-01-21T05:09:00.000-08:00

Fans and Avid Readers!!!!!!

No, this post is NOT about Salman Rushdie and his presence or lack thereof at the Jaipur Lit Fest. If you came here hoping to read my esteemed views on this subject based on the informative title of my post then all I can say to you is  - Don't believe everything you read on the internet. 

Now I am going to tell you the reason why I cannot bear to attend the Jaipur Lit Fest. 

It will be too crowded with people both you and I may know. Too many common friends at a celebrity event = too much fake air kissing = noise pollution. 

That's it. 

responsibility

2012-01-20T04:57:00.000-08:00

A person you love dies
A person you love goes into coma
You don't have the time to recover because you realise that if anything else happens right now to anyone else you love, you just don't have the money to save their lives

4. So you just put on your best plastic face and air kiss the world 

Oprah in India

2012-01-18T23:23:00.000-08:00

One of the first sights she chose to see was Baby B. See? So much culture, heritage, etc etc this country has to offer.

chicken soup for your nerves

2012-01-17T10:26:00.000-08:00

"Close your eyes and rotate anti-clockwise."

-- Anand, advising me on how to manage stress

winter children

2012-01-16T03:12:00.000-08:00

They are small, they are aged 0-4, they are snotty nosed, they squeak a lot, they wear woollen pants, they wear super fluffy woollen sweaters, they wear brightly coloured woollen caps and they all look like each other. 

how to survive the rules of engagement (pyaar ke side effects)

2012-01-14T06:52:00.000-08:00

For those who are getting engaged:
#1. When you are engaged, announce it on Facebook. (Obviously, this rule is for the dummies. If you already knew this, congrats, you are advanced.)

Side effects of forgetting to follow the rule: No one will know you are engaged.

For those who know those who are getting engaged:
#1. Read about your friend's engagement on Facebook
#2. Check how many friends your engaged friend has on their friend list
#3. Check how many of the friends from your engaged friend's list have already commented/congratulated them on the changed relationship status
#4. If you are very cool and important then wait till atleast 97% of the people on your engaged buddy's list have congratulated him/her. THEN leave a comment. This will ensure that notifications you receive over the next 24-48 hours are reduced to a minimum . (This rule is for advanced users)
#4a. Special side effect rule #4a- For dummies, I advise rule #4a. According to this rule, skip rules 2, 3 and 4 and CONGRATULATE YOUR FRIEND RIGHT NOW DON'T WAIT DON'T STOP OMG!!!!!!!! This will ensure that you will keep getting notifications for atleast the next 24 if not 48 or 72 hours whenever random other people from your engaged friend's list also congratulate them.

what to tell your readers when you haven't written in your blog in a long time

2012-01-12T09:42:00.000-08:00

Sorry guys, I was holidaying in Goa, partying like crazy for the New Year!!!!!! It was so awesome!!!!! The drinks!!!!! The clubs!!!!!! The beaches!!!! The cool firang friends!!!!!!! I was so busy!!!!!!!!!!!! No time to blog!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So cool!!!!!!!!!! 

escapist fantasies

2012-01-02T05:46:00.000-08:00

And on other days (like today) - I think that if I escape from my life the depression will stop.

2011-12-20T01:15:00.000-08:00

"I can't shave off my goatee. I have a weak chin."

-- A colleague

YUS! READY!

2011-12-17T07:00:00.000-08:00

Remember my boss's secretary ? The man who always greets everyone with a loud "YES!"? Actually, after writing about him yesterday, I suddenly remembered that there are variations of his type in this world.

I have distinct memories of our school photographer. Every year, on the day of class picture, just before he used to take the photograph, he used to unfailingly yell out "YUS! READY!"

Because he said "YUS!" and not "YES!" we can hereby conclude that the school photographer and my boss's secretary are distant cousins. If the photographer had said "YES!" then I would have told you all that he and my boss's secretary are brothers. And, as my friend LMT has observed, the 2 of them would have had the fantastic opportunity of being Obama's brothers.

YES!

2011-12-16T07:14:00.000-08:00

I will now tell you all a true story from my life. It is about an individual whom I have the pleasure of knowing.  

My boss's secretary, whenever he walks into any room, greets everyone in it with a loud "YES!".

Facts-

1. It is a single "YES!" and it is meant universally for everyone in the room, whoever they may be (including my boss).
2. Till date, he has never said "Good morning" or "Hi" or "Hello". Just "YES!"

bearded wisdom

2011-12-12T21:50:00.000-08:00

"What's wrong with my beard? Even Brad Pitt has a beard. Or give me a jhola and put me in JNU."

-- My father, on his unshaven look

facebook implants

2011-12-11T07:42:00.000-08:00

(... because silicone is so last decade)

Types of implants you can give your personality by using these simple facebook friendly tricks:

For girls- The HotPartyChick implant : Wear a strappy dress, make 2 other friends wear strappy dresses, go to THA CLUB, all 3 of you pose with your drinks in a Destiny's Child Forever or Power Puff girls manner. You choose. And make this picture your profile picture. 

For boys- The HottestDudeEver implant : Go to THA CLUB, stand next to 3 girls in strappy dresses who are posing with their drinks in Destiny's Child / Power Puff Girls style; make sure you are part of the photograph. And make this picture your profile picture. 

For those looking to Change The World- The CoolAdventurousGoodKindExpat implant :  Go visit a Third World Country, take a photograph with NREGA workers / starving African kids. And make this picture your profile picture. 

For anyone- The RichAndFamous implant : Go to a First World foreign country, stand next to its most famous tourist destination and take a photograph. And make this picture your profile picture. 

For ugly adults- The AwwwCuteness implant : Find a photograph from your baby / toddler days and scan it. And make this picture your profile picture.

For non-famous people- The AlmostFamous implant : Go to an event attended by a celebrity. Take a photograph of you and the celebrity. And make this picture your profile picture. 

For all couples everywhere- The SiameseTwin implant : Take a photograph of the two of you anywhere, at any time. And both of you make this very picture your profile picture.

-------

Advice for all- That's all folks. (But if you're still looking for more go here) Did you really think this list would go on forever? Nothing is forever. Go get yourself an implant. Facebook saves everything and never deletes anything. Forget silicone. Why focus on individual body parts when you can get a personality implant?

fame and popularity

2011-12-10T08:37:00.000-08:00

"Anti-oxidants. No one had heard of them until we were 15 and now suddenly everyone seems to be needing them."

-- A friend, on the rising popularity of anti-oxidants.

sundu kala Peter

2011-12-08T08:03:00.000-08:00

Long time ago, (in Bethlehem) - 1990s, in the era of Doordarshan televsion (DD) they used to telecast this German TV show for kids. It was called PETER AND HIS TOYBOX. It was about a really old man called Peter who used to visit factories and show kids how stuff was made. My favourite episodes were the ones where he went to the rubber factory where they made chewing gum and the factory where they made guitars. The show was produced by Transtel in German but DD ran it with an English voiceover. It was the coolest thing EVER. Going crazy trying to find it now on youtube but it appears to have gone into oblivion. The only other people in the world who appear to understand what I'm talking about can be found here

Right at the beginning, when they used to introduce the show, these words (presumably from the original) were audible under the voiceover - "SUNDU KALA PETER"

mixed fruit jam

2011-12-07T07:51:00.000-08:00

Some days (like today) - I wonder if I may be clinically depressed. Then I wonder how to cure it. And then I wonder if I have the time to be depressed. Or the time to cure it.

fresh new ideas to change the country

2011-12-04T18:49:00.000-08:00

"We should give MPs those white Anna-Nehru caps and add those wildly blinking red lights on top. Like they have on VIP cars."

-- My father

maroon 5

2011-12-03T06:58:00.000-08:00

Fans and Avid Readers!!!!!!!!!

Actually, I just really want to tell you all that I am incapable of wearing anything maroon. This is because in school they made us wear maroon sweaters and maroon sweatshirts as part of the uniform. I have spent 12 winters of my life wearing maroon clothes.

And that's all I really wanted to say.

Thank you all for your sustained interest.

Obviously, this post has nothing to do with Maroon 5, that band. I have just given this post the title because I am attention seeking and desire to be famous on google search.

how to figure out if you are truly married (in 3 simple steps)

2011-12-02T07:31:00.000-08:00

1. Both of you forget your wedding anniversary

2. Your children remind you both that it is your anniversary

3. Upon being reminded, you both look at each other and say "Oh we forgot. Maybe we are truly married now." (But you still abstain from wishing each other).

secret connections

2011-11-29T23:14:00.000-08:00

"You cannot check my blood sugar now because I am wearing my shoes."

-- My father, to me

GARNISH. (THE MENZ SALON.)

2011-11-28T09:58:00.000-08:00

Spotted by me today, during the ride back home.

Meena from California

2011-11-27T06:42:00.000-08:00

There is an aunty who is a family friend of ours. She likes to telephone us a lot, presumably because we are all such skilled conversationalists. She has been calling us up since 1952. Or even earlier. (Maybe 1818?) . Every time she calls she always says "Hi, this is Meena from California." And I always say ,"Oh hello aunty, how are you?" And then we have a conversation and then I pass the phone around to everyone else in the house. 

Confession: I have never met Meena from California.  
Super Confession: Neither has anyone else who lives in my house. (Parents included)

The next big thing: No one is sure who she is, but we suspect she may be a friend of my grandmother's cousin.
Ticking bomb: We have spoken to her so many times that now we are too afraid to ask, "Yes, but who exactly ARE you?"

if facebook was a boy i'd stamp all over him

2011-11-25T09:01:00.000-08:00

It's like that boy in class who ALWAYS knows EVERYTHING; it loves small talk but you can never have a real conversation with it; it doesn't know how to listen but you can always, ALWAYS show it your sexy photographs and it will get excited.

kolaveri di

2011-11-23T08:31:00.000-08:00

"North Indians always get excited by South Indians. That must be why this song is so popular."

-- My sister

the dialysis technician

2011-11-21T10:45:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, people choose to be peritoneal dialysis technicians, and this means they have several clients, all screaming for their time and attention. It means they wake up at the crack of dawn and begin going from house to house, visiting client to client, washing hands, sanitizing work surfaces, handling bags and bags of dextrose fluid - several times a day, over and over again. And then they go home and fall asleep. And then they wake up and repeat the whole pattern all over again. It means never missing a day of work. It means keeping people alive. It means no holidays.

It means one week off in the whole year to do everything you ever wanted to do.

It could mean hell. Or it could mean life.

Or it could BE your life.

sense and sensibility

2011-11-20T06:20:00.000-08:00

"You have a lot of potential for nonsense." 

-- A friend, to me.

2011-11-17T04:01:00.000-08:00

"DON'T wash your hands too many times. You'll catch an infection."

-- My mother, to me

economics made easy

2011-11-16T02:46:00.000-08:00

We live in the times of economic crisis and misbehaviour of dollars and euros. And so when you work at the Reserve Bank of India, you are constantly waging wars with the dollars and euros and getting them to behave.

And that brings me to the best and most exciting news of the day - I have learnt to tell the days of good dollar behaviour apart from the days of bad dollar behaviour. On the good days, Anand, who works at the RBI, calls me from work and chats with me. Because, he is relaxed and the dollars are behaving. On the bad days, I find that I am the one calling him up, and he lifts up the phone, speaks to me for 2.51 seconds and hangs up. Because, he is too busy waging a war. And this, dear fans and avid readers is the SIGN.

And this is how I, with no professional economic training whatsoever, have come to be able to read the signs of the economic crisis.

AWESOME.

Things that peritoneal dialysis/CAPD has taught me

2011-11-14T05:28:00.000-08:00

1. Patience
2. Hygiene
3. Paranoia
4. GERMS
5. Anxiety
6. Optimism
7. Pessimism
8. Infections
9. Fear
10. Hope

fantasies

2011-11-11T07:02:00.000-08:00

Some days (like yesterday) I feel like telling my mother - "Lets go out. I'll take you out for dinner."

poker face

2011-11-09T10:37:00.000-08:00

Fans and Avid Readers, 

Today I shall discuss a rising concern of our times: FACEBOOK POKES. I have many problems with these, and I have kindly collected all of them in one single blog post for your reading pleasure. 
1. When poked on facebook, I don't feel a thing.  
2. Facebook now tweets you on every single poke rather than quietly collecting them all responsibly in one corner.  I PREFER MY POKING PAPER WORK TO PILE UP, I HATE HAVING TO ATTEND TO IT ON AN IMMEDIATE BASIS AS THIS INCREASES MY POKING PAPERWORK. 
3. I poke you you poke me I poke you you poke me I poke you you poke me  ipokeyouyoupokemeipokeyouyoupokemeipokeyouyoupokemeipokeyouyoupokeme etc

dialysis = mindf%&*

2011-11-08T14:37:00.000-08:00

So proud of myself for being both articulate and concise.

dialysis feelings

2011-11-06T10:54:00.001-08:00

Some days I just feel like crying and crying and never stopping.

On other days, I am just so thankful for modern medicine. 

celebrating life

2011-11-04T08:19:00.000-07:00

Remembering my grandmother on her birthday

cops and robbers

2011-11-03T01:46:00.000-07:00

Our house was broken into 3 days ago.
They were watching us.
They knew when we left.
They knew how to break into our house in broad daylight, without arousing a single person's suspicions.

They took nothing.
But now, after breaking in, they have got a good look at everything.

We called the police.
They took no fingerprints.
The fingerprints were everywhere.
There were footprints as well.
No one was interested in them.
The clues have been washed away now.

They are watching us.
They are watching us and we don't even know who they are.

________________________________________________________

God, Santa Claus and the theives are watching us.

love from Lativia

2011-10-24T09:15:00.000-07:00

Blogger stats informs me that the Lativians form the second largest readership of this blog. Who would have thought?! Thank you, Lativia. I love you too :)

dialysis

2011-10-19T08:30:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: This is by no means an exhaustive explanation on the various types of dialysis. What I have tried is to describe the various options of dialysis as simply as possible. If you are interested in further information, you could leave a comment for me and I shall be happy to share with you whatever I know. Everyday I learn more about chronic renal failure. However, I am not a doctor.. For medical opinions, please consult a nephrologist. 

Haemodialysis - If your doctor recommends this type of dialysis for you then you undergo an operation that unites a nerve and an artery from your body. This unified nerve-artery is called a 'fistula' and, usually, it is crafted on the left arm.  Depending on what your doctor prescribes, you go to hospital 2 or 3 times a week. You are hooked up to a machine from your fistula. The blood from your body is made to circulate through the machine for about 4 hours. The machine performs the function of your kidneys - it purifies your blood. Your blood circulates through the machine, is purified and  then directed back into your body.  You a kept under observation for another 30 minutes - 1 hour.

Pros 

- In case of emergency, this type of dialysis can be performed even without the surgery to create the fistula.  

- Haemodialysis is conducted in the hospital, under constant medical supervision. It is different from peritoneal dialysis, which is done by the patient's family members, at home.

Cons 

- Be prepared to devote a good part of your day in the hospital - about 1 hour of preparation, 4 hours of dialysis, and another hour of being under observation - a total of 6 hours. Travel time to and from the hospital is extra. 

- There is a risk of heart attack as it puts additional pressure on the heart. 

Peritoneal Dialysis / CAPD (Continuous Ambulatory Peritoneal Dialysis) -  You have a surgery to insert a catheter inside your peritoneal cavity, located in the abdomen. A small portion of the catheter will jut out of your stomach for the rest of your life. It takes about 2 weeks to heal from the surgery before the catheter is ready to be used. In the meantime, you may need to undergo haemodialysis. As peritoneal dialysis is done at home, your family / housemates will have to be trained to perform it. Training usually takes about 3 - 5 days. When you have recovered from the surgery, you can begin peritoneal dialysis at home. The part of the catheter jutting out of your body is connected to 2 bags. Dialysate fluid from the first bag is sent in via the catheter, it purifies the blood and waste material flows out into the second bag. The procedure takes 30 minutes. It needs to be done daily, at 8 hour intervals. So basically, you would need to have it 3 times a day. 
Pros 

- You don't have to spend entire days in the hospital 
- Since it takes only 30 minutes and only needs to be done at 8 hour intervals, you could go out to work or have time for other activities. 

- If you are not confident, you can hire a dialysis technician to visit your home and conduct CAPD for you

Cons  - It is done at home, and not in the hospital where you would have medical assistance within easy reach
- There is a risk of infection - peritonitis
- You have to work very hard to maintain the highest standards of hygiene in your home

APD (Automated Peritoneal Dialysis) - You undergo the same catheter insertion surgery as you would for CAPD / Peritoneal dialysis. Every night, you connect the catheter to an APD machine that performs dialysis for you while you sleep.  
Pros 

You are absolutely free to go about your day.
Cons
You may not be rich enough to afford this hassle free, patient friendly technology.

symptoms of chronic renal failure

2011-10-16T10:38:00.000-07:00

As observed by me, they are the following - 

- Swollen feet
- Swollen face / swollen stomach / swollen face and swollen stomach
- You are able to walk, however, you are unsteady on your feet
- Constant fatigue
- Constant hiccups and belching; right through the day and right through the night - neither you, nor the person lying next to you is able to sleep
- Nausea
- Poor appetite - and when you do eat, you throw up
- Difficulty breathing
- Chest pain
- Slurred speech 

2011-10-13T08:28:00.000-07:00

When I get frustrated with other human beings, I find myself wishing I was their mother. Then I'd just slap them all so hard. No questions asked.

searching questions

2011-10-11T11:25:00.000-07:00

Fans and Avid Readers!!!! I am so excited to share with you the news of my rising fame and stardom in the world of Google searches. Blogger stats informs me that Google is leading people to this blog when they ask "is it bad manners to burp loudly?"

Fans and Avid Readers!!!! In other still more exciting news, can you believe that there are people in the world who really do ask Google if it is bad manners to burp loudly? Wow!!! So cool!!!!

sighs

2011-10-09T08:09:00.000-07:00

In my youth, way back in college, I used to calculate everything in terms of Airtel-to-Airtel STD calls. 1 minute of an Airtel-to-Airtel STD call was 1 rupee. 1 trip from my house to college by auto was 20 rupees by meter or 25 rupees by haggling. So, in general, 1 auto journey was equal 25 minutes of Airtel-to-Airtel STD calls. 1 cup of masala chai or 1 lime bar was equal 5 minutes of Airtel-to-Airtel STD calling. In my youth, I felt that if I didn't spend on everything else I would be able to talk on the phone forever. 

Now, I calculate everything in terms of dialysis money. Dialysis for one month costs about 20,000 - 25,000 rupees. Dialysis for 1 year costs about 3 lakhs, roughly. If we buy a fancy machine, the best-ever most patient friendly type of dialysis is 4 lakhs for the machine and 44,000 per month on maintenance. Right now, if I don't spend a single rupee of my salary for 2 whole months, I can afford dialysis for 1 month. 

I am so broke when I start calculating things in terms of dialysis money. 

More things to get angry about

2011-09-23T06:29:00.000-07:00

These girls are fighting for the right to use their university library. They have been banned from entering it for the very logical reason that they are girls. Obviously.

our bed

2011-09-19T00:52:00.000-07:00

And so I have inherited my grandmother's bed. It is the bed where she spent her last night alive. It is the bed she used for the last 20 years of her life. And I have been sleeping on it for the past 20 nights. 

What is it like to sleep on a dead person's bed?

Apart from feeling oddly cool about sleeping on a dead person's bed and being secretly (and eternally) grateful that no one in the house has objected to me deciding to use her bed, the experience is deeply emotional.  

I will always remember my first night on her bed. It was the first night I that slept peacefully after her death. Although I have no way of confirming it, I really want to believe she was with me that night.

Some nights are filled with a lonliness and pain. These are the nights that I remember how in winters, I used to come to spread her shawl over her while she lay in this bed and tuck a pillow underneath her feet before she slept. This was in the last few years of her life, when she became too weak to do these things for herself. I also remember all the times when I used to make haldi milk at nights and come and sit beside her on this bed while she drank her glass and I drank mine. This was last winter.

Other nights I just lie quietly and think about her and wonder where she is and what she is up to and I ask her silently if she would come and visit me in my dreams. She has obliged me once.

And there are still some other nights where nothing really happens, I just set my alarm for the morning and fall asleep.

And then, of course, there was the night of ecstacy, when I found a couple of strands of her hair hedged between the mattress and the bedstead.

__________________________________________________

now even i have written an open letter

2011-09-15T02:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Madrasans, Madrasis, Punjabans and Punjabis,

After this, and this , may I just say that my tender young mind is overwhelmed?
Not to mention that the raging genetic code that runs inside me is going crazy. Like Britney Spears Crazy. (The song, not her personality).

I say aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhh. I say owwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I say, OMG WHICH SIDE SHALL I SUPPORT????? Because, in all earnest, I say, a truly well mixed nuanced cocktail flavoured bloodgroup like my humble minority has no place amongst the latest debate to take the internet by storm.

BOO HOO!!!!!!

And so I present to you the ULTIMATE SOLUTION: On offer is an unlimited period of FRANDSHIP with me. I will help you break every single stereotype you have ever held about idlis and tandoori chicken and all food groups in between.

And also. An Indian street secret: FRANDSHIP means anything but FRIENDSHIP.

The apocalypse is here. Follow me.

2011-09-13T06:20:00.000-07:00

"It's bad manners to burp loudly. It's true. You can ask Google - "Is it bad manners to burp loudly?"
-- My aunt, to me

viewpoints

2011-09-03T07:08:00.000-07:00

Today I discovered that the metro I take everyday to work passes over the cremation ground where we cremated my grandmother. Now I shall spend every ride looking out of the windows, trying very hard to find that exact spot where she burnt.

peace and flowers

2011-08-24T06:48:00.000-07:00

Love, memories, magic.

the lok pal post

2011-08-20T12:57:00.000-07:00

Fans and Avid Readers - As most of you are adults, I am going to assume that you no longer receive lectures from your mummy/daddy. 

Are you feeling older and wiser now?

I am now going to make you feel young again by giving you a lecture. You can all kindly thank me for presenting you this fantastic opportunity to regain your youth. 

And now.... 

There is presently a raging debate in this country about the Lok Pal Bill versus the Jan Lok Pal Bill. 
While slightly bemused by all the frenzy, I am also growing increasingly irritated by people picking sides WITHOUT READING the concerned bills. 

To all those who are vehemently taking to the streets and supporting Anna Hazare and believing that the Jan Lok Pal bill is the answer to India's corruption problems- I ask - "Have you read the Jan Lok Pal Bill first? Have you read the Government's Lok Pal Bill as well? Is your decision to support one version of this bill over the other an informed decision?"

To all those who have been crying hoarse about how the Jan Lok Pal bill proposed by India Against Corruption is draconian and will create trouble rather than solve problems - I ask -  "Have you read the the  Government's Lok Pal Bill first? Have you read Jan Lok Pal Bill as well? Is your decision to support one  version of this bill over the other an informed decision?"

Sheesh. It's all very well to stand up for a political cause but please do it from a position of INFORMED views.

Go here for the Jan Lok Pal Bill, the version proposed by Anna and friends.

Go here for the Lok Pal Bill, the government version.

Please read BOTH. And then pick a side. That is the only fair way to do this. Everyone on both sides of the divide have been screaming about what is fair and what is not. Give yourselves the opportunity to make a fair choice first.

__________________________

Thank you Fans and Avid Readers, for hearing me out. End of lecture. Now you can feel cool and grown up again. And all your parent's friends will say "Wowwwwwwwwww, see how big you have become!"

2011-08-16T11:05:00.000-07:00

"If you were smaller I could have dressed you up as a brinjal or a post office and we could have entered a fancy dress competition."

-- My mother, to my sister

little champs

2011-08-14T12:33:00.000-07:00

Fans and Avid Readers are hereby informed that I am now officially at the stage of my life where I am traumatised by little boys playing cricket in the park during my evening walks.

musings

2011-08-06T04:48:00.001-07:00

And so I wonder, when I am 75, would I still want this blog to be called "OOF YA!" ? 

1986

2011-08-02T03:49:00.000-07:00

Last night, at the hospital, my grandmother asked me if it was 1986. I told this was 2011.

Last night, at the hospital, my grandmother asked me which year she was born in. I told her it was 1925. 

Last night at the hospital my grandmother asked me how old she was. I told her she will turn 86 this year. 

Then, last night, at the hospital, my grandmother declared "I was born in 1995."

overheard in my house

2011-07-31T05:39:00.000-07:00

My sister: Where are the soccer shin guards?

My mother: Inside the oven.

this crazy silence

2011-07-27T05:24:00.000-07:00

When she was younger, my grandmother was a principal of a school. She was strict, and kids used be afraid of her.

Now she has severe memory loss, needs constant supervision when walking, eating or bathing and gets bullied around by her grandchildren.

hospital

2011-07-24T05:17:00.000-07:00

My grandmother is in hospital. 

So far, this is what the hospital has asked us to provide them with:

1. Cotton wool (they won't supply their own)
2. Disposable gloves (they won't supply their own)
3. Adult diapers (they won't supply their own)
4. A 24 hour attendant (even though the hospital does, apparently, have nurses)

Fans and avid readers, if you want to expand your realm of knowledge, contact me. I shall supply you with the name of this hospital.  

exotica

2011-07-22T05:49:00.000-07:00

"I am an exotic person. I prefer summers."

-- A colleague

learnings from a shaadi

2011-07-16T07:51:00.000-07:00

1. Wearing a sari is a mathematical procedure
2. Reason #5476 to not get married - standing and smiling and individually thanking 5476 of your parents' friends whom you don't even recognise
3. Tip #334 for the official wedding photographer: In case the event is being recorded there will be a videocamera placed in front of the bride and groom. DO NOT stand in front of this camera when you take pictures. It will result in your bum being recorded for posterity.

in my shoes - a step by step guide to my life

2011-06-25T05:31:00.000-07:00

Fans and Avid Readers!

If you were in my shoes, this is what your life would be like:

Step 1 - Only own 2 pairs of footwear:

Part 1 - Floaters
Part 2 - Chappals

Step 2 - Get a job where one of the terms and conditions of employment is that you must NOT come to work wearing floaters or chappals

Step 3 - Panic

Step 4 - Put on your floaters and run to the markets and buy as many formal shoes as possible (in your world this means you buy a grand sum total of 2 (TWO) more pairs. Given the complexity of your human mind, you translate "formal shoes" to mean "jootis" )

Step 5 - Realise that you are simply not talented enough to use the bus and the metro wearing your formal shoes to work.

Step 6 - Panic

Step 7 - Pack your formal shoes (i.e. jootis) in your bag and leave for work in the morning wearing your floaters. You need to leave 6 minutes earlier than you ordinarily would because of
Step 8 - Reach work early, dash into the toilet, remove your floaters, unpack your formal shoes, wear your formal shoes, pack up the floaters, stuff the packet into your bag.

Step 9 - Because you have no other time in the day to exercise you use your lunch break to go for a healthy walk in the scorching sun. Rush to the toilet, remove the formal shoes, unpack the floaters, wear the floaters, pack the formal shoes, stuff the packet into your bag.

Step 10 - Step 9576343 - Go for a walk

Step 9576344 - Return to the office building

Step 9576345 - Go to your seat and take your bag to the toilet

Step 9576346 - Remove your floaters, unpack the formal shoes, wear the formal shoes, pack the floaters, stuff the packet into your bag

Step 9576347 - Work is over so now you grab your bag, rush to the toilet, remove your formal shoes, unpack your floaters, wear the floaters, pack the formal shoes, stuff the packet into your bag

Step 9576348 - Elvis has left the building

Step 9576349 - Reach home, remove your floaters, go to the toilet and wash your feet

Step 9576350 - Wear your chappals

reader discretion advised

2011-06-22T18:26:00.000-07:00

"I have grown one inch in the last three months. Until I was eighteen I hadn't grown at all."

-- Random 22 year old boy who I met at work

the price of sunlight

2011-06-16T08:03:00.000-07:00

75,000 rupees per month

- As revealed by my family's search for housing in South Delhi, where my parents work. So, we have chosen to live in a house without windows.

2011-06-12T07:50:00.000-07:00

Fans, Avid Readers, Friends, Fish, and Bengali Cats -

Today I asked my Spanish teacher for twenty-three extra minutes so that I could finish the Spanish exam.

bengali cats

2011-06-05T06:49:00.000-07:00

Me - The cats in Chittranjan Park are very unfriendly and unusually suspicious of human beings.
Anand - Perhaps it is becuase they are competing with the humans for the fish.

2011-05-28T06:11:00.001-07:00

"There are 3 types of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't."

-- My friend's brother

body of proof

2011-05-22T04:15:00.000-07:00

You know those old aunties/uncles that have extremely loud/shady ringtones on their mobile phones? I AM ONE OF THEM NOW, fans and avid readers!!!!!!! I have chaiya chaiya as my ringtone - because otherwise I cannot tell whether my phone is ringing or not.

For other signs of my ageing, see this. 

BEWARE. YOU ARE BEING STALKED.

2011-04-27T12:06:00.000-07:00

Friends and Avid Readers,

I feel it is my duty as the author of this blog to inform you that I have developed a creepy new habit of checking blog stats every single day. Beware. I know when you are loitering. I know when you are awake. And I am the real Santa Claus, I am not a fake.

a lesson in evolution

2011-04-18T07:00:00.000-07:00

FRAANDSHIP: 

You and I are friends. We meet for dinner. Maybe it means something else. The end. 

FRIENDITITS:

You and I are friends.
We meet for dinner. 
I carry my camera in my bag.
We take photographs of the food.
We take photographs of each other.
We smile.
We take photographs of the drinks. 
We kiss.
We take photographs of the kiss.
We put the pictures up on facebook.
I comment on the pictures.
You comment on the pictures.
My friends comment on the pictures.
Your friends comment on the pictures. 
I get 52 facebook notifications.
You get 52 facebook notifications.
Each of my friends get 52 facebook notifications
Each of your friends gets 52 facebook notifications.
I blog about it. 
I put up a link on facebook. 

You read my blog.
You send the link to all your friends.
They read my blog. 
Their friends read my blog. 
Some strangers read my blog. 
I meet a stranger at a party. 
The stranger tells me she knows who I kissed last summer. 
I smile. 
We take a picture. 
I blog about it. 
You read about it. 
You realise that I have discovered a new disease.

You warn your friends. 

We organise a facebook event.
We take photographs of each other at the facebook event.
We pray to our our cameras to fight this menace.
We build a temple for our cameras.

We take photographs of the temple.
We put up the pictures on facebook.
We make a facebook page.
9,876,543,320 people like us.

(Maybe the end is finally here.)

But what if we meet again for dinner and take another photograph and put it up on facebook?

2011-04-16T09:27:00.000-07:00

"After a bath I will smell like a bath only"

-- Anand

job interview: what NOT to say

2011-04-13T11:42:00.000-07:00

- Do NOT say you were uninspired at your last job. Instead, talk about how you got to interact with all these really cool pieces of furniture people.  

- Do NOT say you you are presently unemployed. Instead, say you work freelance. 

- Do NOT describe your hobbies in detail. Instead, tell them how you are constantly thinking up new and interesting ways that can contribute to their business.  

Good luck. May you get the job of your dreams.

2011-04-06T23:09:00.000-07:00

"I don't want to be a sari DJ. "
-- My sister

(Prize for figuring out what the hell she could have been talking about.)

leftover cricket jokes

2011-04-04T02:06:00.000-07:00

The Cricket World Cup 2011 is over. So fans and avid readers, if you are still meeting jokes about it during your internet outings - BEWARE! These are leftover cricket jokes.

And now, that being said, may I encourage you all to go and check out this masterpiece

happy (belated) women's day

2011-03-29T07:51:00.000-07:00

I want to thank her for writing this.

fear street saga

2011-03-28T03:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Fans and Avid Readers!

Today, I have decided to come out and confess (some) of my biggest fears. I am pleased to announce that I am a chronic worrier and I worry with a scary determination about:

1. Health insurance

2. The cost of higher education

Taking loans and then being unable to pay them back
Having to get married
Getting married and then having the love run out 

6. Dying alone
7. My mother

Turning into my mother
Turning into my father 
The fact that number 9 may have already happened

11. Loosing my eyesight 

Yes, my worries are typical. I am now pleased to announce that I have been co-opted by the Establishment. Thank you for reading.

this soap is blue

2011-03-26T06:15:00.000-07:00

There is an egg in the basket. So why don't you hatch it? 
3 yellow butterflies flew up the drainpipe. 
What do you get when you mix a fire engine with a donkey? 

There is a small cupboard inside the refrigerator. 

When the rabbit ate the apple pie, it started to rain.

If you open the trunk, you will find a toothpick inside. 

Does your room look better with purple curtains or a green dustbin?

Take the bus and then the onions. 

Only a magnet can save you now.

yo estaba durmiendo tranquilamente cuando...

2011-03-24T00:09:00.000-07:00

Yo estaba durmiendo tranquilamente cuando el perro en la casa de mi vecina empezó a ladrar. Me desperté por el ruido pero no me levanté. Yo lo esperé callarse pero él sigió ladrando. Ya no pude dormir más. Yo estuve enfadada. Me levanté de la cama y fui al teléfono. Yo llamé a mi vecina y yo le pedí hacer callar a su perro. Mi vecina me dijo que ella estaba enseñando a su perro cantar. El día siguiente cuando yo estaba saliendo de la casa yo ví que el perro estaba durmiendo tranquilamente en el jardín. Yo tire un cubo de agua fría sobre el perro y corré.

There are some languages that you just can't understand. For a really bad translation of everything else, go to Google Translator.

business development solutions

2011-03-20T22:49:00.000-07:00

About us

We provide business development solutions to set up communications channels to meet market needs in an integrated economy. We provide networking, consultancy and analysis tools for the growing economy. We set up strategic alliances and check quality of modern tools in a fast-paced environment. We innovate through expansion of top level services. We engage with resources at a knowledge outpost station. We stand for managerial deliverables in opening markets. We build on partnerships for reaching out to product-based services. We believe in growth, quality, financial control and solutions.

group yelling

2011-03-17T22:49:00.000-07:00

FAQ's

Q. What is group yelling? 
 

A. The class does something classified as "disobedient" from the powers that be and everyone gets taken to the principal's office to get collectively yelled at. 

Q. What are the benefits of group yelling? 

A. The experience of group yelling is best described as the fun cousin of an individual yelling. In an individual yelling, you get humiliated in front of everyone. In a group yelling session, you all will miss out on study time and also, you can make fun of the teacher once he / she leaves.  Verdict : Totally worth it. 

documentitis

2011-03-03T21:34:00.000-08:00

Please enclose the following with your application form:

3 Passport size photos
Statement of intent
CV
Copies of high school transcripts
Copies of University transcripts
Attested copies of certificates for extra-curricular activities / awards won
Certified copy of passport
Proof of residence (phone bill / electricity bill/ voter ID card)
Certified copy of PAN card
Proof of income (latest income tax return statement)
Verified copy of TOEFL / IELTS / GRE / GMAT scores
Employment certificates stating last salary drawn
Medical certificate
Three letters of reference
Certified copy of PAN card of each referee
3 passport size photos of guardian
Proof of residence of guardian (phone bill / electricity bill / voter ID card)
Certified copy of PAN card of guardian
Income statement of guardian
Certified copy of passport of guardian
Certified copy of birth certificates of nieghbours (no less than 5 individuals)
Certified copies of PAN cards of cousins (Applicants who include copies of PAN cards of 7th and 8th cousins will be preferred)
Birth certificate of any pets (dogs / cats / mice etc)
3 passport size photos of each pet

Applicants MUST attach all the above mentioned along with the application form. All items must be arranged in the order specified. Failure to furnish even one of the above items will render the application incomplete and you will be immediately disqualified from the selection process. Please do not forget to make 3 photostat copies of your application form (along with each of the above mentioned enclosures) and attach it with your main application. 

2011-03-01T22:37:00.000-08:00

"Can I teach you how to send smiley faces in your text messages? ... Don't you want to be cool?"

-- My mother, to my father

2011-02-28T23:04:00.000-08:00

"Is that tie-and-dye ?"

-- My sister, pointing at a monotone purple coloured cloth

announcement

2011-02-26T02:42:00.000-08:00

The general public is hereby informed that I am being taught Spanish by a middle aged gentleman with a heavy Malyali accent and an Indira Gandhi hairstyle.

2011-02-16T06:47:00.000-08:00

"I didn't even have to ask her what's up. Facebook stalking makes you feel closer to everybody."

-- My friend, after running into an old school friend of hers who she hadn't spoken to in 6 years

cuando yo era nina

2011-02-12T02:57:00.000-08:00

Cuando yo era nina tenia que despertarme a las seis y media por la manana. Yo tenia que ir a la escuela todos los dias. No me gustaba ir a la escuela porque no tenia ningun amigo. No me gustaba hablar con nadie. Mi abuela me hacia estudiar para los examenes. No me gustaba estudiar. Antes yo iba a la escuela yo comia los cereales con leche por la manana. A veces yo pensaba que este era delicioso. Me gustaba patinar en el parque por la tarde, despues de volver de la escuela. Mi clase de musica era los lunes y los juves. Mi profesor de musica venia a mi casa. El era muy gordo y siempre estornudaba mucho. El me ensenaba muchas canciones clasicas pero ahora no me ninguna las recuerdo.

2011-02-06T21:54:00.000-08:00

"Dhobi Ghat will seem like a comic strip after this."

-- My frand, to me, after we finished watching 127 Hours

the new smiley face

2011-02-06T08:02:00.001-08:00

you saw it here first :~)

one day in paradise

2011-01-28T01:41:00.000-08:00

click here

save the world

2011-01-22T02:03:00.000-08:00

My sister has turned vegan.
Quickgun. Murugun. Vegan.

facebook hangover anxiety disorder

2011-01-09T04:26:00.000-08:00

When you realise that facebook is the single-most distracting website in the cleavage of the internet but you are afraid to de-activate your account because you don't know what you will do if you can't spy on your two hundred and fifty four close friends.

paparazzi

2010-12-08T00:03:00.000-08:00

Fans and Avid Readers!!!!!!!!

I wish to hereby inform you that I have been invited to a wedding :)

Nowdays, increasingly, I am invited to weddings of friends my own age... this is unlike my childhood where the people getting married would seem like aunties and uncles to me. The conclusion is that my friends and I are now AUNTYS AND UNCLES. YAAAAAAYYYY. (No, really.)

...... And now that you all have finished celebrating this piece of news, let's move right along to the REAL problem here.

I am a person who owns a very limited collection of shiny fancy wedding clothes. These, fans and avid readers, I regret to inform you, were very keenly documented by the facebook paparazzi at the last wedding I attended.

AND NOW.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh.

Can you see my problem here? Can you? Can you?

2010-11-28T04:22:00.000-08:00

"It sounds like Himesh Reshamiya"

-- A boy in my Spanish class, after listening to a Spanish conversation CD.

2010-11-10T22:54:00.001-08:00

"Omlette rhymes with Hamlet."

-- My father, at the dinning table

spanish junk

2010-11-05T10:45:00.000-07:00

Yo soy oofya! En mi tiempo libre yo escucho la radio y veo peliculas en mi ordenador portatil. Me gusta caminar en el parque por la tarde. Cuando estoy caminando yo uso mi movil para hablar con mis amigos. A veces invito a mis amigos a mi casa y cocino para a ellos pero a ellos no se gusta la comida que yo cocino. A veces nosotros vamos a comer en los restaurantes. Nos encanta comer mucho. Tambien yo estudio espanol los fines de semana.

(Please feel free to correct my grammar. Muchas gracias. )

2010-11-01T23:19:00.000-07:00

I think that I have nothing more to say to the world.

how to have an active facebook social life

2010-10-20T03:34:00.000-07:00

Fans and avid readers!!!!!

It is time I shared with you the top 5 ways to achieve success in facebooking. These are my observations of some of the most successful users of our times. REAL TIPS!!! REAL SUCCESS!!! READ NOW!!!!

1. Whenever someone posts a close-up shot of themselves as a profile picture ALWAYS comment and say ''So pretty!" "You look so handsome!" "You're hot" (or, more appropriately, just plain old "hawt!!!!")

2. Whenever someone posts a couple photo, invariably, comment "awwwwwwww" / "so cute" / "i love this pic"

3. If someone announces that they are married or engaged, you must immediately say "Congrats, have a happy life ahead" (This is compulsory, even if you barely know them and don't particularly care about their happiness. Infact, ESPECIALLY if you barely know them and do not particularly care about their happiness)

4. Post numerous photos yourself. When in doubt, always take close-up shots of the food you are eating / about to eat.

5. ALWAYS wish others on their birthday. (They might not have invited you to their party but ofcourse, you just HAVE wish them)

************************************************************

Alright!!!! You know what do do!!!! But ofcourse, you ask, what are the fruits of religiously following these steps?

Well the result, dear fans and avid readers is that you will get atleast 20-100 notifications for every picture you comment on, making you feel instantaneously and deliriously popular. An added benefit about wishing random people on their birthdays/engagements/marriages are that they will say '' Hi long time, how are you? What are you up to?" And then you can say, "I am in Switzerland / Russia / Japan these days." (The trhill of this is unbeaten. Promise)

2010-10-16T04:20:00.000-07:00

"I love Chinese soups. They taste so yummy because they taste so fake."

-- My sister

2010-10-08T07:45:00.000-07:00

"Hey! You can chat on gmail! "
-- My mother

2010-10-03T07:46:00.000-07:00

"I can't travel by auto. I will feel hot."
-- A blackberry owning friend, to me

schizophrenia

2010-09-28T04:09:00.000-07:00

My grandmother is eighty four. She will be eighty five this Novemebr. After she retired, she travelled to Europe and North America. Now she she can't walk much. She stays at home. Earlier at home, she used to read newspapers, watch cricket, avidly follow soaps on Sun TV and write letters to her friends and relatives. She used to clean the kitchen and cut fruits. She used to keep accounts and order groceries.

Now she can't remember anything. Her attention span is extremely short. She says she can't read because her eyes hurt with the tiny newspaper print. I bought her a magnifying glass. She was very excited to receive it and she has tucked it away at the back of her cupboard. I tried giving her books with larger print but she says she doesn't want to read. Many times, she has asked me to leave her alone.

She spends her days doing nothing. She sits on her bed and stares into space.

Sometimes she asks me who I am. Sometimes she can't tell the difference between me and my sister. Most of the time, she doesn't know whether it is night or day.

She repeatedly performs certain behaviours. Like flushing the toilet again and again. Like changing her clothes again and again. Like rubbing her hands against the bedsheet again and again. Of late, she has been having hallucinations. She describes people, places and events to us as if they really happened. To her, they are real. To us, they are not.

Sometimes, we indulge her by asking her for more details. Sometimes we are flustered and tell her to stop imagining things. It is very hard to reach out to her. She lives in a different space.

It is very hard to watch someone you love lose their mind.

blogging as it happens

2010-09-25T03:34:00.000-07:00

My eighty-four year old GRANDMOTHER is getting a PEDICURE done as I type this :)